Tenacity

I don’t know how to describe it, as always! Ha! (Not actually funny) but I haven’t been feeling 100% (which is everyone else’s 70%) these last few days.

When the old boy asked me tonight,

“What’s made you feel like this, what in particular?”

I just couldn’t give him ‘proper’ answer. When I thought hard about it, the only thing that come to my mind was that it feels like I can’t be bothered with anything. Work, family, friends etc – It sounds horrible because everyone around me means the world to me – And they all know that – But that’s the only way to describe it.

It’s like a very small part of depression. The full picture is not wanting to see anybody at all and hiding myself away, but this was temporary in the sense of not wanting to see anybody for maybe a few hours.

Maybe these feelings are ‘normal’ and we all go through them from time to time, maybe I need to ‘man-up’, but whatever people think, they aren’t me so they just don’t know. It’s sad to think that I don’t really know what ‘normal’ feels like anymore.

Anyway, I wouldn’t say that I forced myself to go running, but I made a good effort and run / walked a bit under 4.5 miles so it was a valiant effort tonight. I maybe could have left it a little longer to run after tea though!

Anxiety & Paranoia

You love somebody, you cherish them, you adore them, you love them for who they are, you love them for why they love you and your love for them is unconditional every single time you are with them, plan to be with them or even think about them.

I can only describe my anxiety & paranoia experience as a toxic liquid; it moves surreptitiously through every single one of your thoughts, it turns your own mind against you and it’s relentless in its actions; it just does not stop and does not care about who or what it hurts. Nothing in its way seems to be able to stop this.

You try so hard to eradicate this from your thoughts but the more you try the worse it seems to get. It’s like when you think of that infamous pink elephant, now that this image has entered your subconscious you will find it oh so hard to remove it!

You are told something, which to a person who does not suffer from anxiety / paranoia is a perfectly reasonable statement; it’s something most people would do, have done or even are planning to do. The flood gates open in your twisted mind and it’s like someone has torpedoed Hoover Dam on the Colorado River. This huge reserve of water has now been transformed into liquid anxiety and the land which precedes this huge mass is your brain. In comparison – Small, tiny, minute.

Once the anxiety / paranoia seal has been broken there is just no stopping it. Well, to my knowledge, there is nothing to stop it at the moment. The water keeps on gushing, only to get stronger and stronger. The damage becomes increasingly noticeable and before you know it there has been total destruction and you mind is just one big warped mess.

And this all stems from a conversation and a simple statement someone has made!

“Oh come on… really? From one sentence you get this?”

Yes. I do. Not all the time, but when my subconscious screams out there is danger about to hit me smack in the face, the torpedo is about to be launched and the wall of the Dam prepares for impact, all I can do is brace myself and pray the concrete will survive the blast. Otherwise it’s game over for me for a good few hours until ‘repairs’ have been completed.

Repairs are usually taking my mind off things by running, seeing friends, comfort eating (worst thing possible) or something else which is marginally brain taxing.

So, what this comes down to, is just totally being taken over by something which your mind fabricated from literally nothing. Maybe the proximate cause is something you have been subjected to 10 years ago, maybe it was last week, who knows?!

All I know is that anxiety & paranoia strike hardest when your emotions are stretched to their limits – Being with someone you love is a prime example of this, not the only example, but it’s a damn good one to start with.

Yes, I have been through some ‘tough’ times in my past, which I won’t go off-subject and talk about now, but something that has ‘niggled’ me sometime in the last 31 years of my life is really fucking me off now and getting to me.

We take it for granted but the brains we have are so intelligent, powerful and can be so destructive to our mental health when we least expect it.


Over and out.

I now need sleep to process all of this bullshit in my mind which has amalgamated and formed this unwanted torpedo. Heading straight for the dam wall and at the moment there is nobody or nothing stopping it.

The mind is so powerful.

Mine needs a little repair.

The competitiveness!

I’m really getting into my stride now with the competitiveness and making sure every time I do some form of exercise I try to beat something from last session. This really spurs me on; thriving off my own individual performance has always been a trait of mine and it definitely helps in this current scenario.

I have been exercising properly now for about 2 weeks and I can honestly say I feel so much better. I have been combining this with a little hypnotherapy which seems to be working well together for me.  I feel fitter, healthier, I have a clearer mind and I feel like I am not having so many bad thoughts / negative feelings. On the occasions that I do have them, my mind quickly eradicates them from my memory and I quickly move on.

This has really been a great tool for me. If anyone out there is feeling a little down, depressed or even ’empty’ – Or a feeling that you can’t even explain, then get running, or do any sort of exercise; after 3 weeks I feel slightly better about myself already, I have more of a spring in my step and some chemicals in my brain are obviously helping me out a little. The combination of whatever I have been doing is obviously a current winning formula.

The endorphins are flowing!

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The Gang – Minus the Bride & Groom!

I’ve been keeping up the exercise for approximately 7-10 days now, and although that doesn’t seem like a long time for most, it is for me. Yes, I have done it before, 6 months of hard work led me to shed 3 stone (18Kg) back in 2014.

But this time it is different. Of course, it’s 4 years later, but my mind is different, my focus is different, my life is different and my life’s purpose seems to be dangling in front of me on a piece of string, actually looking promising, rather than not there at all.

I don’t know where or not anxiety, depression and the other feelings I have had played a part in me feeling awful prior to these last 2 weeks, but I am certain in saying so much feels like it has changed.


I would say honestly that I am not feeling 100%, purely because I have had this ‘dark cloud’ or some sort of coloured cloud over my head for so long that I have actually forgotten what ‘normal’ feels like – Maybe I have never known? It’s a kind of sad thought but I have to be realistic here.

Over the past two weeks I would say that the depressive feelings in my head, mind, body etc have cleared up the most. I don’t want to jinx it now and have an episode tomorrow, but something is working.

I am sure my Dad will read this and smile to himself because he has repeated this for so long now it’s like the following words are engraved on the inside of my eyelids:

“Get to that bloody gym and do some exercise, you will feel better!”

Yeah yeah… of course parents are right, but you never tell them that – Not to their faces anyway! You will never hear the end of it trust me – You will be telling someone of their ‘wise words’ and inevitable interfering one day when all you will see out of the corner of your eye using your peripheral vision is a little smirk from them, basically saying…

“I told you so.”

Argh! Haha!

Lesson learned I suppose but it’s so frustratingly funny… I think that’s the best way to describe it.

I have a 10K run coming up at work and also a climb up Snowdon so I want to be prepared as best as a I can. Yes, I could have started sooner, but I didn’t, so quit the moaning and let me suffer now by squeezing all the exercise into the next 4 weeks!


Friday saw one of my very good friends getting married to the love of his life. Gav & Al got married @ the Albright Hussey near Albrighton and it was a brilliant day! I was best man, which was an absolute pleasure. I was accompanied by the love of mine! It’s times like these which make my life worth living.

Perhaps this conversation is too deep for a Sunday night before work but I have to type this somewhere! It’s not something I desperately want to get off my chest, but it is something which I wanted to share – Also a piece to look back on when reflecting on the good times and seeing what really makes me smile.

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Aber AirSoft – Stag Do for the Groom

I had arranged the stag do for Gav which was 3 weeks prior to the wedding – I never drank alcohol. Yes, I have passed my 1-year mark but I want to keep going. If I can stay sober for 1 year, stay sober through a stag do, stay sober through a wedding – This pretty much makes me invincible, right?

This is definitely a superpower – Because I bet I could pick 1,000 people from the streets of Shrewsbury who would not be able to complete the same challenge as me!

A diamond in the rough

The photo here is a random one from this week. Lucy, posing, from a walk through Nesscliffe woods with other miscellaneous animals and humans.


Unfortunately, I am not writing a post here about my devilishly good looks. I haven’t got enough time this year to even begin to start writing about them.

As strange, modest, happy and ill-timed as my sense of humour seems at this current moment in time, it’s the complete opposite story for the way I feel.

a diamond in the rough is referring to the fact that no matter how shit things feel sometimes, regardless of what or who has caused them, there is something good in your life; you just need to see it, be shown it or find out how to see it yourself.

I currently have this going on right now. After having a busy day at work I have come home and I’m just struggling to keep my head above water. Don’t worry, I’m not in the bath and slowly slipping under from the tiredness, it was a metaphor.

I love this writing. It’s so strange how I can feel ‘down’ yet still have the courage to write something silly and try and make the readers of my blog smile. I’m sure some of you must do because I am guilty at laughing at my own jokes!

This ‘funny man’ sometimes is what keeps me going. Whether I am on my own, with a friend or even a group of people, sometimes he says something to me, and I smile to myself; temporarily occupying my mind and taking it adrift from the dark clouds which linger above.

A fuzzy head & sweaty body

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After Monday’s episode of feeling down my head feels very fuzzy. As always, it’s so hard to explain. It’s almost like depression, but not. The way I feel right now is a little tired, and almost as if my head just wants to give up on everything. It’s saying:

“This is too much. I can’t handle all these emotions at once.”

I can. I really believe I can. I just need to work smarter not harder. Don’t you just hate that phrase?! But when it relates to you it’s so annoying because it’s true!

Recovery is now on the cards and I need to move on from this weeks happenings and remain focused. Being proactive not so reactive.

I can’t be that because I’ve just ran 4 miles in a fairly good time (for a big lad) without moaning about it being too hot, too far or even too much effort. See the above photo or STRAVA link on the right-hand side of this blog.

I’m a fighter. I don’t want to and I am not going to give up on this because it might kill me! But that is NOT going to happen, so whichever family member / friend reads this and thinks the worst – you don’t need to go into a meltdown and ring me to make sure I am ok! I’m good.

I’ve made it! A WHOLE YEAR. Crack open the Jack!

Today marks the day of 1 whole year without alcohol. I am very emotional. I really can’t believe I have done this. It just goes to show that if you put your mind to anything… it can be achieved!

When I first started, I remember counting the days, weeks etc in terms of what had passed. It seemed like a lifetime ahead of me to complete the year. The last few weeks/months have been a massive countdown!

It’s come around so quickly.

It’s time to celebrate with another year and add something else to the list.

Chocolate? Sweets? Carbs?

Pffft. No chance. Alcohol is bad enough!

Roll on the next challenge.