…because I’m happy.

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Lyth Hill, Shropshire – Taking in some morning air. The sun was beating down on us! 

How can 47 days pass so slowly yet 14 days can pass so quickly! What it is about our brains which makes time seem to slow down when you want it to go super-quick yet speed up when we don’t want it to?!

Every morning I used to wake up and just want the day to be over with. My parents always used to tell me to not wish my life away, but when you fall for someone and then they fly half way around the World 5,000 miles away and remain there for the next 47 days it’s really hard not to wish it!

Okay, you’ve guessed, she’s back! After a gruelling 6 week and 5 day wait she’s back in the UK and back with me! Well, she flew back on Jan 22 as you all knew but I haven’t had time to write blog posts, I’ve been busy getting her to fall deeper in love with me.

Ok, sorry, too soppy, but it’s so true. It’s like a dream, but also reality, something which I don’t think I will ever wake up from, and you know what, I don’t want to!


Depression. What’s depression?!

I know it’s not the right way to do it by masking depression with a relationship. Well, that’s not what I am doing, but my mind has been so busy with keeping busy and occupied with a certain person that I have had NO time to think about the awful D word!

It’s good, very good, and it’s step-by-step, which tends to be the best method for me when confronting something like this.

That’s it really, nothing else really to report.

Alcohol has still failed to enter my body, I am very proud of myself after almost reaching 7 months. I’ve added a countdown on my blog which everyone can see so I have 5 months to go now!

12 months without something I have had every week for 10-12 years is quite an achievement for me.

I’ve started the gym again today after a few weeks off. It was tough one-hour session but it was worth it. All those endorphins flowing around my body have made me feel amazing! I will eat earlier in the morning tomorrow though – I could feel my food coming back up to repeat on me after just 10 minutes on the treadmill!

Speechless.

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0631 and I’ve barely slept.

·

You’ve said your farewells.

·

Your thoughts, yours tears, your sadness.

·

Your mum’s wave goodbye.

·

Memories. Kept.

·

Overwhelming thoughts pass through my head.

·

Some good. Some bad.

·

A lonesome tear runs from my eye.

·

It touches my cheek with the utmost delicacy.

·

I’m waiting for you. In bed.

·

I am finding it so hard to believe.

·

62 days to 47 to zero.

·

You changed your life for me.

·

You changed your smile for me.

·

You changed your heart for me.

·

I’ll be your hero.

·

Less than 12 hours to go.

·

You are up there. In the skies. So high.

·

Sleeping beauty. Smiling about us. Dreaming.

·

I’m watching the minutes pass by.

·

We are going to do nothing but try.

·

It’s almost time to see you.

·

Just a few more hours to watch.

·

Now I’m half asleep, my eyes are closing.

·

Always thinking of you.

·

We’re smiling to ourselves.

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Without a care who sees.

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Who…?

·

Exactly! It’s nobody else but us.

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You’re coming home; Adriana.

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It’s been an eternity.

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We’ve loved. We’ve cried. We’ve laughed.

·

You’re coming home for me.

·

I’m Speechless.

7.4 Billion people and only 2 impressions.

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What sort of impression can we make from meeting someone in those first few seconds of ‘that first impression’.

There seems to be countless articles about making the right one, the perfect scenario, body language, what to say, what not to say, how to stand, how to look, blah blah… but surely the first impression of meeting someone is so unique because whatever you believe, out of the 7.4 billion people in the World, only you and the person you’re staring at will EVER know what it’s like to meet is this way…


I find this fascinating!


The Earth is 4.5 Billion years old. There are more people tha have died than are alive today. So how many first impressions have EVER been made?

Nobody has any idea as to how long it will survive… but something brought two people together to meet and make their own first impressions with each other.


This will never happen again.


Okay, you’re telling me that anything which has happened will never happen again, which is true. But I ask one question…

Why? And this isn’t a bad thing at all!… but why have these particular people been placed in this situation?

I am not really a believer of fate but when people use the cliché – ‘there’s someone out there for everyone’ (which all the single people hate!)- Then you really start to wonder why…

You can never explain why! That’s the annoying part!

I sometimes don’t like accepting things for what they are, or how they happen, because I always want to know why. Maybe it’s a little part of my low self-esteem coming through? Like, why has this happened to me?!

It’s 6am and I am having a bit of a ramble I suppose but for those who will read this, you will all suddenly start thinking about the little things in life whether they be good or bad and think why? – Once the thought is placed in your mind it never goes away… remember the post on elephants?!


So, where am I going with this…? (not really sure!)


First impressions never turn into anything. It’s a first impression and that’s it. No matter what happens between you and that person, it will remain as this and only this.

As you know I have met somebody recently and we have had our own first impression. You are probably all thinking that the first impression was amazing, it was love at first sight and we sailed happily together into the sunset…

Hmmm… not quite.

This person actually came to the shop where I was working at the time and started to complain to me about the company and their ever-so-poor customer service! I will NOT disclose the company name as that would be so unprofessional of me.

I had been at VODAFONE just a short time that day (in relation to shift) when a short, dark-haired woman entered the shop and instantly took the path leading to me as I was the only free staff member.

She started to complain because VODAFONE had promised her a free tablet… again… blah blah (the slanderous comments about an ex-employer can wait for another day – That juicy post can wait)…

I was a little flustered when dealing with this crazy woman because I was getting the brunt of VODAFONE’S cock-up. Nevertheless, with all my experience in customer service, I quickly resolved the situation and helped this woman with her issue.


Still trying to cut this story short here…


Our first impression wasn’t great. It was a retail environment. She didn’t want to be wasting her time complaining and I didn’t want to be somewhere I hated working.

We made the most of an frustrating and challenging situation and resolved it, ASAP.


We NEVER get to make a first impression twice.


But… with my ‘crazy’ woman, I did!

We’ll call it the second, third, fourth impression for those of you who want to be facetious about my little anecdote here (I would!), but every moment after that seemed to be a first impression.

 

The more I found out about her, the more I fell in love with her.

The more I saw her, the more I wanted to see her again.

The more I heard her voice, the more I wanted her to talk.

The more she stared at me, the more I wanted her to keep her eyes open.

The more she sighed with happy thoughts, the more I wanted her to continue breathing.

The more she told me about her, the more I wanted her to speak.

 

Everyday after our first impression was like it was the most natural feeling in the world.

Which ever ‘impression’ I think of right now, whether it’s the first, second, fifth, tenth or one-hundredth…

One of those impressions made her change the flight, to come back from her family holiday, 15 days early… just to see me!

 

YES! 15 days.


Amazing.


 

You can call her by her name.

I will call her Nana, mi amor.

Humans are crazy; The things we do for emotion are phenomenal!

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What sort of person goes away on holiday with their family and comes back 2 weeks early?

A crazy person.

A person who is in love.

A person who is desperate to see the love of her life.

A person who thinks about someone so much she cannot bare to be without them much longer.

She is strong.

She is determined.

She is tenacious.

She is lacking oxygen.

She describes of her oxygen being 5,000 miles away.

She talks about finding each other at the perfect time.

She says we are against the world.

She talks about our future.

She talks about her paradise is being back in England.

Her heart is in pain.

He is the glue to repair her heart.

She feels alive.

She feels sexy.

She feels loved.

She feels wanted.

She feels every part of her body is being loved.

She is reborn.

Her skin craves for him.

She feels beautiful in his arms.

She is slowly realising that age is a number which isn’t important.

She says the only texts that matters are his.

She has butterflies in her stomach when she thinks about him.

She feels sick every day.

Only keeping busy will mask these feelings.

After 10 years of holidays this is the one she didn’t want to take.

She has been counting down since day 1.

She counts daily. Just like him.

She sends texts, pictures, voice clips, video clips, makes video calls – Just for him.

She risks a lot.

She risks everything.

He knows.

He knows how much this is hurting her.

He cannot do anything about it.

Each day he wakes up and craves her attention, her presence over social media.

He knows her texts are the most important.

He has been counting down the days to see her, religiously.

He’s been driving himself mad.

He is slowly managing all his thoughts.

He has anxiety.

He has suffered from depression.

He is sometimes paranoid.

He knows it’s all in his head.

He has a partially broken mind.

He is working so hard to fix this.

He wants this pain to be over.

His heart is aching as much as hers.

She is his glue.

He needs her.

He wants her.

He’s sad without her.

He’s happy without her.

He keeps himself busy.

He waits for her texts like a dog waits for the postman.

He grabs his opportunity where he can.

He makes the most of the time with her.

He knows she is doing her very best.

He gets frustrated with not seeing her.

He knows it’s not long but it still kills him everyday.

He thinks about their future.

He is me.

She is her.

No names.

They are not needed.

 

Identity is not necessary in love.

 

8 days to fall in love.

 

47 apart.

 

A lifetime remains.

 

 

Temporary weird feelings: Is this infamous ‘Dark Cloud’ trying to break through?

The last 2 days have been somewhat strange. Tuesday was the worst because it felt like the feeling of the big ‘D’ was coming back to haunt me.

Before I go any further, I am not in a state of depression, I am merely describing what I believe are the ‘outskirts’ and how I am overcoming them.

I woke that morning with a feeling which I have never been able to describe very well, but as I have mentioned in previous posts, it’s a feeling the same as when you look out of the window; you don’t think, see, smell, taste, enjoy or listen to anything around you – It’s just starting into nothingness.

Again, it’s hard to even imagine, because if you try and think about nothing, something always comes into your mind.

Anyway… I had to force myself yesterday to get out of bed, yes, it was a little later than intended, but at the moment I am between jobs, so I believe that my ‘purpose’ in life has been temporarily taken away. Nevertheless, I got up and started completing chores.

As the day went on the feeling of nothingness stayed with me. I couldn’t help but contemplate thinking about thinking nothing, it’s a strange one.

Even when people say “Just keep yourself busy, it will be better for you”.

No. Depression isn’t like that at all.

NOTHING, and I mean LITERALLY NOTHING stops you thinking these things.

You might be keeping your brain, mind, body, soul, heart, hands, arms, fingers, even your whole body busy, but DEPRESSION and it’s associated feelings always penetrate your soft exterior skin right down to your strong fighting core.

We really are just big human apples.


I don’t know what was different about this time, but I was speaking to people who are very close to me, and whatever they said, whatever they did, whatever they suggested, it somehow worked, a little bit.

I’m talking now from my current state of mind and I feel a lot better after 2 days.

What was this? Was it a glitch in the mind? Was it a blip? A malfunction?

I started to ‘program’ or ‘re-wire’ my mind last year when I just about had enough of depression, and focused very hard on so many different attributes which would later go on to be very useful for me. Therapy, blogging, no alcohol etc.

Maybe these last couple of days had been my brains electronic system temporarily breaking down because of an outside virus was attempting to hack into my system!

This all sounds so bizarre to some of you, I am sure of it.

But what’s interesting …


TBC… lunch time …


… is that when we have a cold, or man flu, or a stomach ache, or a headache… we don’t analyse our feelings of pain in this much detail! Of course we don’t. We don’t compare it to life and death… we moan for a little bit, wait for it to go away… and then BANG! It’s gone.

With depression, however, we have to make comparisons, we have to analyse, we have to think of worst case scenarios… because it makes us.

It’s like our brains are desperately trying to find an answer, a solution or even a complete resolution to this whole dilemma just so we can deal with it as best as possible, should not return, or even to eradicate it for good.

How can something make us feel so bad about EVERYTHING in our lives that we feel that sometimes, there is no other option but …

Fighting depression. Not letting it win. IF it wins, there are MANY losers.

I’m not stating the obvious in the heading as it ultimately means one thing, to be dead!… but, I am just updating you all on the progress of my current battle with depression and how I am dealing with it.

For any new followers, people visiting the page on the off-chance or for those regulars, I have been ‘bad-thoughts’ free now for about 6 months. To clarify, these are thoughts that I am unable to rationalise and ultimately mean I won’t be coming back from their subsequent actions.

I don’t know how, but the list of things I made when I first started to battle this ‘illness’ had made a HUGE change to my life.

 


NO ALCOHOL · CUT DOWN ON COFFEE · EXERCISE · HEADSPACE · GIVING LESS FU*KS @ WORK · HEADSPACE · BLOGGING · COUNSELLING & THERAPY


 

Above are the steps I promised myself I would look into last July when I was at the lowest point in my life; and just to clarify, I am not in a depressed state now, I feel awesome! Not 100%, but I am in the high 80’s!

I can be honest and say some of the above mentioned items in the list I have not stuck to, mainly because they did not work for me or I didn’t feel I was getting anything from them.

My biggest achievement, is the no alcohol – With the added exception of indirectly consuming alcohol on a few occasions, I have been clean for 5 and a half months.

These occasions are:

  1. Eating half of a Tia Maria soaked Tiramisu when out with friends
  2. Consuming poached pears post being soaked in red wine
  3. Having a teaspoonful of Champagne with orange juice on N.Y.E just passed

Okay, number 3 is a grey area but I am not letting that spoil my 5.5 months! The ratio was like 1:99% so that’s still indirect to me…

So this has worked really well for me. I know alcohol is a depressant and I was clearly having a little too much at the wrong times. I was using it subconsciously to drown out my thoughts of depressions, anxiety, stress etc and it just wasn’t the right thing to do.


The exercise I have maintained. I wouldn’t say I am super fit, running up walls backwards wearing ankle weights, or competing like a crazy person, because I don’t want to be to that level. I just want to be able to do things when I want to, not be out of breath tying my shoe laces or walking up the stairs and look better.

It’s a work in progress so I have made some changes to diet, exercise and mentality when it comes to this. Little steps make all the difference.

Rome wasn’t built in… blah blah blah! Who cares about Rome?! Nobody from our current generation was around then so let’s use up to date metaphors, okay?… How about…

Thinking …

Ummm …

 

… You can’t travel the World in an hour?

 

Okay. That was shit. But my thinking cap for today is missing.


Not being able to describe something is extremely hard, especially when you want to depict something to be/has been very good for you.

The counselling, hosted by Andrea, was very helpful. She was a stranger, at first, but I warmed to her after only a couple of sessions and she really made a difference for me.

I know it’s her profession, and some people say “it’s an easy job, anyone could do it”. No. They can’t (ALAN!) It’s a skill to talk to people, be a great conversationalist and build rapport with some people after only a couple of session each only lasting around an hour! My first ones always overran because we had so much fun, laughed a lot and I really felt like telling her everything, which I did.

‘Letting it all out’, for me, was upsetting at the start, it made me realise I was scared of certain things which had happened earlier in my life but it ultimately made me stronger. It inevitably made me accept those happenings all those years ago and I think I moved on pretty quickly from them. Mind you, that only SEEMED like something so small and insignificant but maybe it played a big role in conjuring up a big cloud of depression and exacerbating it in my life during the last 4-5 years?

Who knows?

No-one.

But I feel better, so who cares?

No-one.


The last part I am going to talk about is blogging.

I started blogging about 2-3 years ago, but failed. When I look back now, I wanted to be a ‘cool’ person who blogged and everyone would follow, comment on, like etc.

I failed because I was blogging for the wrong reasons.

Since, I have come from social media – I’ve become less of a sheep (although I still own an iPhone!) and I have eradicated this social bullshit from my life; Facebook, Twitter, Instagram… gone!

This blog I started writing in July, last year, my first being a post called ‘Dark Days’ which was my lowest point in history.

I now have a purpose.

If after all this blogging, all these photos, all these links, all these references, all these opinions, all these anecdotes, all these clichés and all these thoughts, I could save one person’s life, that would be a dream come true. It really would.

I know how it feels to want to die.

I know how it feels to know how you want to reach out to family and friends, but can’t.

I know how it feels to think the World would be a better place without me.

I know how it feels to feel worthless, hopeless, without purpose.

But…

I also know how it feels when you reach out to somebody.

They are your ray of sunshine.

Your glimmer of hope

Your knight in shining armour.

Your saviour from the Dark Lord of Depression dragging its horrible cloud over you and consuming your whole life.

Anybody, if you are out there… I hope somehow this part of my blog can reach you… surely I can save at LEAST 1 out of 7.4 billion of you…