It’s been a great week – Roll on 38 days time – Remaining S.T.R.O.N.G!

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Strength. Unity. Tenacity. Determination. Focused.

It’s been a week of reflecting for me. I’ve been thinking mainly about my anxiety and the last time I had depression – Which was July 23rd last year so I have come really far and fought really hard to get where I am now. Some days have been higher than others, some have been lower and some have been in the middle somewhere, but overall, I have definitely improved my state of mind since last year.

I am starting to work on myself more. I want to put myself first a lot more and really focus on what I want to do. Work is great; the team, the prospects, the environment and just the whole package really. It’s great for focusing my mind even when I have people ‘effing and jeffing’ down to the phone at me!


Something which has really made my day today has been a comment on my blog. Okay, this is the first message I have had (directly to my email as a result of someone using the web form) but it still counts to me! I suppose, I have met them before when I used to work at Auschwitz (Vodafone Shrewsbury’s alias) but that was ages ago!

So they were  young couple who came into the shop, ultimately to talk about their mobile phone(s)… boring, yes, but the chat we had together was incredible! I talked about my depression, anxiety and other things I had been going through – But to connect to almost ‘random’ people in this way was amazing. They understood me so much, in so little time they really understood what I was going through and I could feel the empathy oozing out of their compassionate words. It was probably the best chat I had ever had with a customer, so thank you for the Matt & Beth for the message, it has made my day today.

When is the next chat?! Let’s do it again!


That’s it for the moment.

Overall a very good week for me. I have no desire to drink alcohol at all. Well, maybe a little, shall we say 1% – Compared to this time last year and it would have probably been 91%! Amazing work Samuel.

People keep asking me: What are you going to do on the Stag Do, what will you do when the year has finished?

Well, as a great man once said to me: ‘You don’t have to drink alcohol to have a good time!’ – Thanks PS. It was such a snappy response, I loved it (This won’t make sense to a lot of you, but for the select few it will be something to brighten your days!


Oh! Another thing which is going great, which is always worth a mention, is the lovely lady in my life. Her identity is yet to be disclosed due to circumstances which are un-bypass-able at the moment, but let’s just say, to anybody who is reading this:

She’s strong, unbreakable, tenacious, determined, loving, caring, well-loved herself and whatever life chucks at her at the moment… she deals with brilliantly. Some people may try to bring her down but they will never succeed. She uses the pain, sadness and down times she is having and turns them into an unstoppable force which will see her come out on top in the end.

She’s the real winner here.

Oh, and she’s gorgeous.

Ciao Bacalao!

Reflecting in the dark without any light

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If you can reflect in the dark then you can do it at any point in your life. My idea here is that at any one time if you really need to reflect, look back on something important and see how things have gone, you don’t always need a torch and a mirror to see who you really are.

My reflection comes at almost 12 o’clock at night when I have come for a dog walk in the peace and quiet. The only sounds being the boy racers zipping past in their clapped out banger-mobiles and the whirring sounds of the generators behind me as I sit peacefully on a cold wooden bench.

It’s almost been 11-months since I had what I can refer to as ‘hell, a dark cloud, that bastard feeling’ or what is more commonly known as depression. Back then it was feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and I don’t want to be here any more.

Now,it’s a very different story. It’s more of a question of why? Why is this happening to me? What can I do to fix it? When will it end? What can I do to manage this in my everyday life?

Hmmmmm… the inevitable questions come flowing into my mind as I sit here typing this on a tiny little screen…

It may take some more walks at this time of night to figure this all out.

What’s annoying at the moment is that anxiety is playing a big part in my life. I tell you what, it’s fucking annoying. God I have missed being able to swear without anybody telling me I can’t! (Alan!)

I mean, it’s everywhere go. Sometimes, it literally takes over my whole day and there is nothing I can do about it. Paralysed with the uncontrollable thought of ‘what if?’ – I have to just plod on and a lot of the time force myself to complete something constructive and brain taxing.

The downsides are always so costly. Hurting the people you are close to in your life is the biggest casualty for me.

I don’t mean I have punched someone in the face!

I mean, sometimes when I am like this, emotions take over, I feel compelled to do things and people inadvertently suffer from the unconscious negligent acts of my brain.

Ok, I’ll stop here. Even I don’t understand what I have just written.

Maybe I’ll go for another walk and reflect on my English language…

51 days left!

I honestly can’t believe I have almost been alcohol-free for 1 year. I am so proud of myself. I don’t care about what anyone else thinks (no offence to close friends and family! haha!) I am just so happy I have almost completed what I can only describe as one of the hardest mental challenges I have ever put myself through.

When you used to drink most weeks / weekends and had a good old bingeing session every other month for the past 14/15 years, then you suddenly stop, go ‘cold-turkey’ and completely cut out this so well-loved drug that we call ‘drink’, it really does take a toll on your body. At first you start to crave it because you just cannot cope, I am not talking symptoms of an alcoholic or a heroin-addict here, but you get what I mean. It just feels weird that people around you are drinking cocktails from around the World and you are sipping a tasty water with a cheeky slice of lime.

This makes me think that I can stop anything I want to. If I conditioned my body and subjected it to years of abuse from the likes of Mr Tequila, brother Guinness and Pervy Uncle Jack Daniels, then I suddenly stopped, what’s to stop me using this same method in my brain and apply it to anything else in life.

Maybe cutting out another of life’s’ pleasures isn’t required. I would love to channel this ‘energy’ into something else. The passion, dedication, tenacity and willingness to complete this personally-set challenge has been huge! Out of this World!

Let me think, I would love to be able to channel this energy and focus on the gym. I lost 3 stone in 2014 and I was super-thin, okay, I did look a little ill but I felt amazing! It’s not what I weigh but it’s how I look. I no longer want man-boobs and a flabby gut, I want rock hard pecs and a washboard stomach!

Can anyone remember what that last line was from?

I’ll buy the first person to tell me a Becks Blue!

That is all for this week… month really!

Well done me.

 

Time does actually go really quickly, scarily quickly!

So it’s been a week since my last post and where has the time gone. I feel like my feet have barely touched the ground.

Of course, now, the majority of my time is taken up by my new-found love! That’s my job, but also a  certain person too!

It’s that feeling I have always been after – The thought in your head on a Sunday night before work the next day used to be ‘oh god, fuck this job!’ … now it’s ‘I can’t wait to go to work tomorrow!’

For those of you who think it’s a little sad, trust me, you are just filled with unwanted jealousy! When you have that moment in your life – You will look back at a time when you were so sad, miserable and alone in your old job and wonder why the hell you didn’t leave sooner?

This is because we become so comfortable in our jobs and are scared of change. Some of my ex-colleagues have been stuck in their same role for almost 20 years and they have become so miserable. The job has literally sucked the life out of them.

If you are reading this, you must get out!

I think I have been slightly battling some negative thoughts this week. Don’t panic, for those are worrying, because there is no need. I am alive, well and not depressed.

It’s just nice to write them down and tell who ever read this about them.

So, I suppose I have been like an old carton of milk this week – Off. (my favourite joke at the moment).

Although my relationship, work, friends and family are all amazing and I wouldn’t change anything for anything or anyone at the moment – I still feel a little strange.

I am learning more and more about depression every day. I feel my body is constantly battling with it – Sometimes more than others. I know it doesn’t agree with emotion. For years I have struggled with emotion and I think I have realised now why.

Depression has been in my body for years and it’s tried to grasp onto a strong feeling such as emotion and it’s tried to use this to bring me down quicker than flight MH370.

That’s awful. I know. But it’s the first thing which came into my head.

Anyway, enough for one week!

It’s been tough to write this week. It hasn’t come as naturally as it normally does.

Making an effort to keep on blogging. I’ve been inspeared.

It’s been 9 months since I started writing my blog because that’s the time I last had ‘proper’ depression.

Wow. I’ve come so far. It’s great when someone else shows your how proud they are of you but when you feel it yourself, boy is it all worth it.

9 months ago I was depressed, suicidal, felt worthless… blah blah blah… all the usual shit that I don’t want to repeat… but now I feel almost 100 times better.

I have a purpose in life.

I have a girl in my life.

I love going to work.

I miss someone so much that it hurts when I am not with her.

I feel less stressed and anxious about life.

I have managed to control my anger and thoughts.

What’s happened to me? It’s like the old Sam has been replaced with a new one. Version 2. I’m still the same handsome stranger that you all knew before but it’s like I have had a change in lifestyle – Big time.

The same person who prompted me last time has prompted me again to write this blog. Now it’s been the same person twice in a row, I will make a conscious effort to write one a week.

This person has been reading my blog and said it’s amazing what I have conquered in these past months since I started blogging.

I have given up alcohol for 9 months for christ sake! AMAZING! In 90 days time it will be 1 whole year. Incredible.

Yes, people run 26.2 miles in the London marathon but this is still a hard task. A marathon takes 4-5 hours for most people and it is physically and mentally exhausting – This is the same but on a much longer scale.

This is a quick one for now, as it’s past my bedtime. I don’t want to keep waffling but this spontaneous and impromptu post is a dedication to the person who sticks by me, unconditionally loves me and is always there for me.

Even when I am an asshole (a nice one!)

Until next time (within a week!)

If you look for it, it never comes. When you are least expecting something amazing – It’s then that it happens.

I don’t know whether or not to believe my own title of my own blog. We all know the cliché but we can never measure this kind of fate because once the moment has passed, we can’t go back, rewind and see how it would have panned out if we had of done things differently!

How annoying is life that we don’t have a rewind button!

The point I am trying to make on today’s blog is that I feel like something amazing is happening to me. For the first time in my life it feels like I don’t need a rewind button – I am happy how things are going (very, in fact!) and I wouldn’t change anything in my life right now.

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A beautiful view from Greyfriar’s Bridge in Shrewsbury marks the outstanding achievement of my alcoholic-free past 8 months.Good job Samuel!

Things to be proud of:

  1. Relationship – It’s going really well – I have fallen in love with someone who feels the same way about me – But it’s more because it’s like I am beginning to settle down – Not in the relationship itself but because things seem to be going my way for once… maybe I was looking at the ‘half-full’ glass as ‘half-empty’ and thinking the worst…
  2. Employment – I have forever been searching for that job, career or path in life where you really want to make a difference. I am not saying I have found my dream job but I have recently started something which I am getting good at, something I am actually enjoying and something I haven’t quit in the first few days! A miracle is occurring!
  3. Alcohol – This Saturday will mark 8 months since I have knowingly / consciously consumed alcohol – I haven’t put ‘any’ alcohol because I’ve made a few exceptions along the way – A literal half-teaspoon full sip of Champers accompanied with some Simpson (OJ) for NYE and a few choc-liquers here and there is literally all I have had. I keep saying this to myself – But I am doing very well for someone who used to go into the local club with his mates, but 15 shots of some awful tasting homemade spirit for £1/shot and drink them all. Followed by projectile badness!
  4. Depression – So far, so good. 8 months free. Hmmmm… I stopped alcohol 8 months ago – This is not a coincidence! Maybe this was the key after all. Yes, I admit I have had a bad few moments but these have been completely manageable. Wow – I did not make that vital link until just now!

 

Job done.

Until next time.

Everything is goooooooood. Basic maths involved here. Beware.

I have been prompted to compose this blog by the same crazy lady I met just over 3 months ago at an old job! How time flies. (check window for big clock sailing through the sky)

I’ve been lazy. Lazy in terms of everything to be honest. When you find someone who you fall for (just in case I hadn’t mentioned it), everything seems to be subconsciously put on ‘hold’ and it’s almost like you are stuck in a ‘rut’, but a good and bad one!

Don’t get me wrong, everything is gooood, but something isn’t quite right.

No! Before you ask, that infamous dark cloud hasn’t come back again, I just need to re-focus, take a few steps back and evaluate in order to take more than 3 steps forward; then I’ll be making progress…

4-3=1.

No?

Anybody?


I made it a mission to myself that I would do as much as I can to stop the depression get the better of me when I started this blog back in July 2017. I would say that I have done well but I need to remain focused.

This blog I have been pushed to write is already worth it because it feels so natural to write into the unknown. I still find it strange how almost anybody in the World can stumble across this little blog, out of the billions of web pages and indeed people there are out there on the World Wide Web; and if and when they do, they will imagine me, writing about my life, with cold toes, a glass of sparkling water, demolishing an avocado and thinking how good life is.

Isn’t this technology amazing?

Dad? 😉

It’s a very therapeutic thing to do, blogging. Now that I have got into it and developed a little but important following, I like to keep people updated on how I am doing, what I have planned in the pipeline and anything else that I want to share. Which normally is everything, ha!

I guess for some people, life just happens, it appears that they seem to sail through life with absolutely no complications, and they just get on with things. But although that word ‘appear’ is only 6 letters in length and very small, it has a big meaning. Yet again my mind compares myself to other people when I don’t want to do it, it’s a compelling and unwanted trait.

 

But, I am learning.

I am getting better all the time.

I am continually fighting, even if I am a little down, or sick.

I am setting goals and completing them to achieve my daily and weekly tasks!

….and I am still alcohol free! Woooooooo! 7 1/2 months in and only 4 1/2 to go!

 

For some, life might seem or appear easy, but maybe it’s actually really hard for them and we just don’t know what ‘goes on behind closed doors’ and maybe people look at me in that way, who knows! All I know is that I just need to keep working hard with everything, keeping busy, remaining focused, having my all-important social life and spending time with the people who make me smile.

Some, much more than others. Before you ask.


I don’t need to be perfect. I just need to be happy. Two very different things. I would say perfection is impossible because it will differ with everybody’s opinion. No matter what you do, you will never achieve it.

Happiness you can always hold onto because it comes from so many different sources – Job, relationship, family, friends, holidays, plans etc. Whenever something isn’t quite going right, there can always be something or someone else to pick you up when life kicks you in the Jacobs.