I think and very much hope that this period of depression for me is now almost over. There are still some unknown feelings and thoughts in my head, or as I call it the ‘Black Cloud’ – But I have been feeling happier, more focused on life in general and even wanting to get out of bed and perform basic tasks like doing the washing; that’s something I don’t like doing at the happiest of times but it keeps me busy and it is a start.
The reason for the picture below is to depict a moment from Saturday just gone, being the 22nd July. I was at the next door neighbours’ house celebrating a joint birthday party and I was drinking lager and then spirits. I had consumed about 6-7 bottles of medium strength bottled lager and then I went onto gin and tonic.
I wasn’t keen on drinking too much but I wanted a little bit to make me feel more relaxed, try to forget about the depression just for a couple of hours and to have a good time.
Of course, it worked!… But the consequences seem to be so severe.
Unknown to everybody else, and potentially even myself, I was making my gin and tonics very strong. The measures were larger than normal and although they didn’t seem to taste that strong, they were. It’s a favourite drink of mine and I suppose I could say I have become accustom to it over the years I have enjoyed it, sociably.
Was this me, subsciously, trying to drown my sorrows and take away the pain of depression with excessive alcohol but keeping it under the radar?
The more I think about it the more it comes apparant that depression had temporarily taken over my mind and was causing me to drink more. Scary, very scary when you put it like that.
The morning after I left the house to go back home, but something wasn’t right. I couldn’t look people in the eye to say goodbye and I could feel myself getting incredibly upset. What was this? Was it the last 8-9 days of depression building up and working towards a release? Perhaps. Was it the gin reacting with chemicals in my brain? Perhaps? Or was it a combination of everything I have been through in the last 2-3 weeks? Maybe.
Whatever it was, I pulled over on the way home and I made myself cry, I had to. It was the only thing I could do to make me feel better. I sat in the car for 20-30 minutes just gazing at the sky and crying. Some bad thoughts entered my head but they were rationalised as soon as I would think about the inevitable but devastating consequences that would be left behind if something was to happen.
I later went home and hugged Mum and even more tears came out! I didn’t know what had caused it this time, just like the last 7 or 8 times, but it felt so good to cry as it was almost like a release of tension.
I forgot to mention that I just striated counselling from a local life-coach, the first of meetings was the Saturday afternoon. We touched base on a lot of family, work, social and other issues which did make me sad and wonder why I had done certain things in the past. I think this was a contributing factor to the upset I encountered on Sunday morning.
“I want to be alcohol-free for 6 months”
That’s what I want to achieve and I have said it in my head like it is shown here.
I have 3 main reasons:
- I want to see the effect it has on my body. It will be hard, any habit is hard to form/break, but it can be done. It will have an effect on my social life, because society these days wants you to get drunk and have a good time. A wise man once told me ‘you don’t have to drink to have a good time’ – That wise man will definitely smile when he reads this and will probably send me a text, so I will leave him anonymous, for the time being anyway.
- It will improve my health. I often have binges (every 2-3 months on alcohol and I’m sure it doesn’t help my body. All those units of sugary liquids making their way downtown into your stomach… it seems like such. good idea at 3am when you are dancing like a buffoon but at 9am when you wake up…. eurrrgggh. How many times have you said to yourself… “I’m never drinking like that again”… If I had a £1 for every time I had said that in the last 16 years then I’d probably be able to afford a new beard trimmer. A decent one.
- Being someone who suffers from depression means I like to think (In fact I know) that I have some very good other qualities. My drive, resilience, determination and competitiveness are some of my own favourite qualities. So it’s a real test to see if I can do it. I am not the best person in the World for will power, especially when it comes to a greasy cheeseburger being dangled in my face, but I want to do this. I may not get it straight away, and I may even forget I am doing this in a weeks time, but I will pick it up again and get back on track. Who said you only get one shot at doing anything? Second chances are meant to be grasped and held tight with both hands.
I am counting this as day 1 then, let’s see how far I can get. Wish me luck!