It’s very sad to imagine how I was feeling a week ago compared to today; empty, down lonely and very depressed amongst so many other weird feelings.
But now I feel so much better. It’s great. I’ve managed to fight depression for another time in my life and it seems to be on the up. Yes, I don’t yet feel 100%, but I feel a darn site better than I did 7 days ago.
But how?! How can my life be that bad that I fall into a downward spiral of self-hate, suicidal thoughts and completely shutting off?
For me now, it’s trying to piece together the parts of the puzzle which will help me understand it more and potentially try to eradicate it or manage it a lot better, should it happen again.
If I think back to the 14th when it all seem to materialise, I was at work, stressed because there was too much paperwork, people were asking questions all the time, I had to try and get the sales in alongside performing all the managerial duties… see where I am going? And this was just work!
The fact that society says I shouldn’t be living at home when I am 30, not having a real career path, not being happy with my body and not really being financially safe hadn’t even entered my mind, at it wasn’t even 11 o’clock yet!
But you know what? Fuck society. It shouldn’t bother me what people think and I certainly shouldn’t have to follow a set path to build a life for myself. There is definitely a certain pressure which seems to be on everybody these days, if the majority of people do something with their lives and it follows a pattern for ‘x’ amount of years then that’s what the new age people should do. It’s bollocks.
The above mentioned ‘issues’ can be worked on time and time again until I get them right; I have the drive, determination, resilience & ethic to complete these things even if I don’t succeed first time.
I’ve never really know what I want to do as a career, and I might never know. So many people just fall into a job which they may or may not be happy with and because it gets them what they want financially or socially, they stick with it regardless of happiness.
I don’t know percentage wise but people unhappy at work who still remain there for a period of 5-10 years or more must be at least 90%! That’s a huge number! Okay, yeah I’ve just plucked that from a chicken’s arse but I reckon it’s not a bad guess.
How many people actually love their job/career?
The main thing now is working on the depression and ensuring I do everything I can to help myself for ‘next time’. Counselling, healthy eating, exercise, focus, headspace, relax and trying not much to give a fuck about things I actually don’t give a fuck about.
PS Sorry for the swearing… felt like a good release.