Anxiety & Paranoia

You love somebody, you cherish them, you adore them, you love them for who they are, you love them for why they love you and your love for them is unconditional every single time you are with them, plan to be with them or even think about them.

I can only describe my anxiety & paranoia experience as a toxic liquid; it moves surreptitiously through every single one of your thoughts, it turns your own mind against you and it’s relentless in its actions; it just does not stop and does not care about who or what it hurts. Nothing in its way seems to be able to stop this.

You try so hard to eradicate this from your thoughts but the more you try the worse it seems to get. It’s like when you think of that infamous pink elephant, now that this image has entered your subconscious you will find it oh so hard to remove it!

You are told something, which to a person who does not suffer from anxiety / paranoia is a perfectly reasonable statement; it’s something most people would do, have done or even are planning to do. The flood gates open in your twisted mind and it’s like someone has torpedoed Hoover Dam on the Colorado River. This huge reserve of water has now been transformed into liquid anxiety and the land which precedes this huge mass is your brain. In comparison – Small, tiny, minute.

Once the anxiety / paranoia seal has been broken there is just no stopping it. Well, to my knowledge, there is nothing to stop it at the moment. The water keeps on gushing, only to get stronger and stronger. The damage becomes increasingly noticeable and before you know it there has been total destruction and you mind is just one big warped mess.

And this all stems from a conversation and a simple statement someone has made!

“Oh come on… really? From one sentence you get this?”

Yes. I do. Not all the time, but when my subconscious screams out there is danger about to hit me smack in the face, the torpedo is about to be launched and the wall of the Dam prepares for impact, all I can do is brace myself and pray the concrete will survive the blast. Otherwise it’s game over for me for a good few hours until ‘repairs’ have been completed.

Repairs are usually taking my mind off things by running, seeing friends, comfort eating (worst thing possible) or something else which is marginally brain taxing.

So, what this comes down to, is just totally being taken over by something which your mind fabricated from literally nothing. Maybe the proximate cause is something you have been subjected to 10 years ago, maybe it was last week, who knows?!

All I know is that anxiety & paranoia strike hardest when your emotions are stretched to their limits – Being with someone you love is a prime example of this, not the only example, but it’s a damn good one to start with.

Yes, I have been through some ‘tough’ times in my past, which I won’t go off-subject and talk about now, but something that has ‘niggled’ me sometime in the last 31 years of my life is really fucking me off now and getting to me.

We take it for granted but the brains we have are so intelligent, powerful and can be so destructive to our mental health when we least expect it.

Over and out.

I now need sleep to process all of this bullshit in my mind which has amalgamated and formed this unwanted torpedo. Heading straight for the dam wall and at the moment there is nobody or nothing stopping it.

The mind is so powerful.

Mine needs a little repair.

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