Where is my life going?! (Positive heading)

A little exaggeration but it seems only a few days ago when I wrote my last blog but now I have just checked it is more than 4 weeks! So much has happened since then!

I think the first thing to talk about is I have been back to see my counsellor, Andrea. We established a great connection this time last year and I stayed with her for 3 months, but I then felt ‘better’ so I left and tried to carry on with life. I guess, looking back, this was not a good idea, as I didn’t feel better deep down as I can now say the root of the problem was not identified. I would not have known this back then, but retrospectively looking back I feel I can say with confidence that I made the wrong decision.

So, from the recent stint with Andrea, we have established the reason why I have felt ‘depressed, down, anxious, sad’ etc for all these years. Since I can remember, it has been since 2006, when I first started my retail career in Currys, but I think subconsciously it has been since a lot further back than this date.

For all of my life since leaving university in 2005, I have worked in a number of jobs with various managers, members of staff and other people who I have interacted with, predominantly the public. The ‘conflict’ I have experiences over the years has come from all different aspects of the job, and some of this unwanted conflict has come at a price; it has either cost me my job because I have been ‘let go’ or I have felt I have had to leave the company because I thought I just couldn’t cope with my line manager at the time and the way they were speaking to me.

Andrea and I have been talking and the main reason for me being like this, in fact, let me be honest, the only reason, is because of one particular person who showed violence towards someone close to me when I was younger, starting from the age of 10!

“Sam, this was 21 years ago, you need to forget about it, it’s in the past, just move on, drop it, man up!”

I’ve had a few people mention this to me and it really isn’t helpful. What they fail to understand is that this sort of abuse, being psychological, is like a volcano, in its power, its force and its destruction – It can and does remain dormant for years, and then later on in life, it will erupt and cause nothing but problems, destroying everything and anything it comes into contact with. The only positive to my volcano, is that I am strong enough to battle against the relentless psychological lava which often refuses to stop flowing; but the barriers of my mind are strong, battling hard every day and willing fight this every step of the way.

That’s the only metaphor I can think of from the top of my head at the moment but I think it’s a pretty good one!

Some people say that I write about depression a lot, and that I am always sounding negative. I guess this is true to some extent, but like someone always tells me at work, it’s how it is perceived. Luckily I won’t get in trouble for writing my own personal blog (I hope!), but I feel I have to go through the shit in life to come out good the other side. I have written about my ‘Dark Days’ ever since July 24 last year, and I do not want to stop until I feel better, I learn to manage the effects this person has had on my life, all those years back, and I want to become stronger, more powerful, show the people who care that I will never give up, but most of all, I want to be me again.

Posting in quick succession!

My posts are like buses at the moment… you know the rest of the cliché.

The featured image was from tonight – One of my favourites for a long while. The sun setting viewed from Hopton, Nesscliffe.

For my future reference, I really felt like drinking last night, and also tonight too. I went to see my friend Rob in Bradford last night. Although it had been planned for several weeks, during that period there has been unforeseen circumstances some to light depicted by some bad news in my life and I am not coping very well with it.

Jack Daniels was so appealing to me during the last 24-hours. The most I had was 2 minuscule sips but I could of easily had a lot more. This just shows how strong I am sometimes. I’ve worked hard to be T-Total at the toughest of times – If I can stay off it now and I can stay off it for anything.

It’s not been the easiest past 1-2 months for me personally and others around me to. I have struggled to come to terms with things, especially my own decisions and reasons for my actions which I just can’t explain.

How do you come to terms with losing something that has been a part of you for such a long time?

A lot of people reading this will probably say that this is life, shit happens, blah blah blah…

But that’s for a normal mind. I can’t seem to comprehend these scenarios and I struggle with the stressful times in life. Especially sad moments.

Failure to see beyond a bad time in your life can often be one of the minds’ greatest downfalls. The ability to see into the future when we already know it will be ok.

Everything is repairable.

Everything is replaceable.

Everything can be recovered from.

All metaphorically speaking, naturally.

Continuity & Perseverance

My mind hasn’t been right for a couple of months now – Well, I don’t think it has been right for a long time, but what I mean is that it seems to have been worse than normal.

 

The heading depicts two words which I feel are important to me at the moment. Continuity because I need to stick with things and even though they don’t ‘appear’ to be making a difference, I need to know (and understand) my mind is a complicated entity and it needs repair. Whether you read this and think

“How does he know his mind needs repairing?”

or whatever the question, when something is broken and it’s not physically possible to see the damage, you just know.

Perseverance – I guess this links in well with continuity. Things have been very difficult for me over the last few months. I think I have been influenced to feel ‘down’ from outside factors, but nevertheless, I need to be able to cope with whatever life has to throw at me.

I have decided to start counselling again on a permanent basis. I must stick with this and even though in a few months I might start to feel like I am getting ‘better’, I probably wont be. This is really sad to write about but unfortunately, it’s the god damn truth. I have just had to accept that this is the way my life turned out.

I have a great life, I really do, so the answer to your question is ‘No, I am not down in the dumps, depressed or feeling like not being here‘, I am merely observing my life and seeing what I can do to better myself.

I have made certain decisions over these last few months and I am confident in saying that I have felt compelled to do so. Something in my mind has almost forced me to do such actions and there is no reason whatsoever for this. I just don’t know why. People who are close to me have been hurt by said actions and I just don’t have an answer.

That’s the heartbreaking part; damaging relationships.

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Favourite photo of the week! The image is meant to be blurred – I’m not a bad photographer!

When I look back at my life, I feel I have lived with this dark cloud for many years, I would guess around 10-12. Along the way I have sabotaged many relationships for reasons I still do not have an answer for.

The only way I can describe this is imagining doing something that you don’t want to do, but you end up doing it anyway. You are not physically forced, tortured or instructed to do it by anyone, it just happens; it’s almost like it’s somebody else using your body to act on your behalf.

It might feel like I have gone a little crazy but this is helping me understand what is going on here. If you don’t have a fraction of an understanding by now, after 50-60 blog posts since last July, then you never will!

The counsellor I saw last time was Andrea, she was fantastic and we spent about 3 months together. We had a certain bond, I like to think, and I really feel like she helped me.

I don’t have regrets, but if I was to have just one, just a minuscule one, it would be that I stopped seeing Andrea because I was feeling ‘better’. Retrospectively, I was not. Whatever I was feeling, it was not better. Maybe my mind was tricking me but I guess I just felt ‘better’ than when I first started to see her!

 

It’s going to be a long old process.

Understanding; so close, but so far away.

Family, friends, best friends, partners, wives, girlfriends, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, mums, dads, aunties, uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents, second cousins… you name it;

Whatever the relation, does anybody really understand you, what you are thinking or why you have done something?

Unfortunately not, in my opinion, as we are all 1 in 7.53 billion people who roam this Earth together. We each have our own individual ways of dealing with things such as making day-to-day decisions & life choices; Which way to turn when we approach a junction, what film to watch at night and even what types of eggs to buy in our local supermarket. Some random examples there, and they were the first ones which came to my mind, but they are just a fraction of a percentage of the choices we make on a daily basis.

I guess we make a decision usually based on experience, advice that we are given and how we actually feel at the time of making said decision. We decide to eat when hungry, drink when thirsty, throw a punch when angry or even go for a run when feeling energetic.

These, to me, are the mini-problems we face in life, subsequently followed by their solutions. If we are equal to A, then we must carry out or ‘do’ B. A being hungry and B being the food.

What about when we aren’t equal to anything? What if the decision you are making isn’t based on or around anything – You’ve not had this before in your life, you’ve had no advice and at the time of making said decision you just feel completely lost, unable to reason with your crazy mind and just totally unaware of any consequences?


There’s no one there to hold you hand.

There’s no one there to guide you along the way.

There’s no one there to tell you how this will turn out.

There’s no one to talk to because in life you are alone;

You are only 1 person.

There’s something in your mind which just isn’t right.


No body has a clue what you are going through. It is literally the worst of both Worlds. You make the one decision and you feel things will get immediately worse, but yet if you make the other, procrastination takes over and the things get worse over time.

You feel so compelled to make a decision, do determined that it’s the right choice in your mind but you just don’t know why. There just isn’t a reason. There will be times when you doubt your decision-making skills in the time it takes to make your decision but it’s all over-powered by the strength, power and tenacity of your wandering mind. Everything else like thoughts, past advice and every other person around you is just shut out whilst you deliver the news.

Why… just why?

It’s the saddest thing to ask somebody when they have made a decision that they didn’t want to make but felt compelled to.

You can’t explain to anyone. There may be a few small reasons which will ‘chip in’ and give reason as to why this decision has been made, but the solid grounds which provide the foundation of the real reason just crumble before your eyes. They deteriorate so fast before you because you don’t really know yourself.

If that’s the case, how can you tell others something you don’t possess knowledge of?

Sadly, it’s impossible.


 

People can be so close to you physically, but when it comes to your own thoughts, decisions and choices in life, they might as well be light years away; because sometimes the understanding element in just inexplainable.

Does hypnotherapy really work?

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Favourite photo of the week – A walk in Attingham Park.

I have recently had a session or two of hypnotherapy, the last being about 3-4 weeks ago and my next will be this coming Friday.

All I can say is that something inside my mind seems to have changed. I don’t want to get my hopes up, or lead myself into a false sense of security, and I don’t know if these feelings are going to be short or long-term, all I know is that at the moment I am feeling great!

I know there will be a large portion of you out there who do and don’t believe in hypnotherapy, but when I had my first session with Edward, the hypnotherapist, he explained things in such a way that it actually made sense.

I will be honest, before I even considered this line of remedial action I thought it was a complete waste of time and money.

Was I judging a book by its cover way too early?

Perhaps I was. Now I have had two sessions and started trying more than ever to ‘fix’ my mind, thoughts and ways of thinking, I believe something has changed. It might be something that may seem so small and insignificant, but I think something is helping me out!

I have also started exercising properly again. Yes, before yesterdays’ boxing session I had not done anything for 13 whole days, and I had combined that with basically eating crap (chocs, chips, coke etc), so it wasn’t looking good and I was on a downward spiral (of eating). Despite all of this negative eating and non-exercising, it was definitely down to feeling ill as there has been some sort of bug do its yearly course. Bugs, bugs? I HATE bugs! (Kirsty…?)

Although I was feeling very lethargic and full of a cold yesterday, I still managed 6 intense rounds of boxing on the punch bag at home which was impressive if I may say so! My iPhone timer was set on 3 minutes, I had my wraps and gloves on each hand, accompanied by a bottle of water… all that was missing was the Rocky theme tune music.

I think that now I have started something like exercise again, I have the momentum to keep it up. It sounds silly but I am positive we all have that little bit of apprehension about starting something new – A job, a new hobby, meeting new friends etc. But once we have done it for a while we become a custom to it. It’s just that first initial ice-breaker which we all inevitably have to go through assuming we want to actual do the thing in question.

Where does the time go?

 

It only seems like a few days since I said to myself ‘C’mon Sam, let’s write every week’ – Life seems to pass me by and I am sure before I know it I will be the ripe old age of 67…  Great Auntie Ann I know you will be reading this and smiling!

So – The last 4 weeks have been really good to be honest. The job is going well – I am enjoying it more and getting stuck in. I can see myself really focusing everyday and putting maximum effort in – It’s almost enjoyable! Woooah!, I hear you all gasp, it can’t be that good, surely?! It’s work! Well, yeah, it’s a real challenge. My job is purely based on the phone to people arranging insurance policies but it’s not as easy as it sounds… I don’t just sit there twiddling my thumbs… I’m no branch manager!

Depression and anxiety if I am honest haven’t been a huge part of my life of the past month or so, which is exciting news! I guess I have been so busy with starting exercise again (at last!), work, relationship, family, friends – Eating and maintaining my alcohol free body has just taken up so much of my time! It’s great to actually write about how good I feel for once.

That will do for now! I am exhausted after half an hour of revision and now a small typed blog post…

 

Tenacity

I don’t know how to describe it, as always! Ha! (Not actually funny) but I haven’t been feeling 100% (which is everyone else’s 70%) these last few days.

When the old boy asked me tonight,

“What’s made you feel like this, what in particular?”

I just couldn’t give him ‘proper’ answer. When I thought hard about it, the only thing that come to my mind was that it feels like I can’t be bothered with anything. Work, family, friends etc – It sounds horrible because everyone around me means the world to me – And they all know that – But that’s the only way to describe it.

It’s like a very small part of depression. The full picture is not wanting to see anybody at all and hiding myself away, but this was temporary in the sense of not wanting to see anybody for maybe a few hours.

Maybe these feelings are ‘normal’ and we all go through them from time to time, maybe I need to ‘man-up’, but whatever people think, they aren’t me so they just don’t know. It’s sad to think that I don’t really know what ‘normal’ feels like anymore.

Anyway, I wouldn’t say that I forced myself to go running, but I made a good effort and run / walked a bit under 4.5 miles so it was a valiant effort tonight. I maybe could have left it a little longer to run after tea though!