A little exaggeration but it seems only a few days ago when I wrote my last blog but now I have just checked it is more than 4 weeks! So much has happened since then!
I think the first thing to talk about is I have been back to see my counsellor, Andrea. We established a great connection this time last year and I stayed with her for 3 months, but I then felt ‘better’ so I left and tried to carry on with life. I guess, looking back, this was not a good idea, as I didn’t feel better deep down as I can now say the root of the problem was not identified. I would not have known this back then, but retrospectively looking back I feel I can say with confidence that I made the wrong decision.
So, from the recent stint with Andrea, we have established the reason why I have felt ‘depressed, down, anxious, sad’ etc for all these years. Since I can remember, it has been since 2006, when I first started my retail career in Currys, but I think subconsciously it has been since a lot further back than this date.
For all of my life since leaving university in 2005, I have worked in a number of jobs with various managers, members of staff and other people who I have interacted with, predominantly the public. The ‘conflict’ I have experiences over the years has come from all different aspects of the job, and some of this unwanted conflict has come at a price; it has either cost me my job because I have been ‘let go’ or I have felt I have had to leave the company because I thought I just couldn’t cope with my line manager at the time and the way they were speaking to me.
Andrea and I have been talking and the main reason for me being like this, in fact, let me be honest, the only reason, is because of one particular person who showed violence towards someone close to me when I was younger, starting from the age of 10!
“Sam, this was 21 years ago, you need to forget about it, it’s in the past, just move on, drop it, man up!”
I’ve had a few people mention this to me and it really isn’t helpful. What they fail to understand is that this sort of abuse, being psychological, is like a volcano, in its power, its force and its destruction – It can and does remain dormant for years, and then later on in life, it will erupt and cause nothing but problems, destroying everything and anything it comes into contact with. The only positive to my volcano, is that I am strong enough to battle against the relentless psychological lava which often refuses to stop flowing; but the barriers of my mind are strong, battling hard every day and willing fight this every step of the way.
That’s the only metaphor I can think of from the top of my head at the moment but I think it’s a pretty good one!
Some people say that I write about depression a lot, and that I am always sounding negative. I guess this is true to some extent, but like someone always tells me at work, it’s how it is perceived. Luckily I won’t get in trouble for writing my own personal blog (I hope!), but I feel I have to go through the shit in life to come out good the other side. I have written about my ‘Dark Days’ ever since July 24 last year, and I do not want to stop until I feel better, I learn to manage the effects this person has had on my life, all those years back, and I want to become stronger, more powerful, show the people who care that I will never give up, but most of all, I want to be me again.