I’m not stating the obvious in the heading as it ultimately means one thing, to be dead!… but, I am just updating you all on the progress of my current battle with depression and how I am dealing with it.
For any new followers, people visiting the page on the off-chance or for those regulars, I have been ‘bad-thoughts’ free now for about 6 months. To clarify, these are thoughts that I am unable to rationalise and ultimately mean I won’t be coming back from their subsequent actions.
I don’t know how, but the list of things I made when I first started to battle this ‘illness’ had made a HUGE change to my life.
NO ALCOHOL · CUT DOWN ON COFFEE · EXERCISE · HEADSPACE · GIVING LESS FU*KS @ WORK · HEADSPACE · BLOGGING · COUNSELLING & THERAPY
Above are the steps I promised myself I would look into last July when I was at the lowest point in my life; and just to clarify, I am not in a depressed state now, I feel awesome! Not 100%, but I am in the high 80’s!
I can be honest and say some of the above mentioned items in the list I have not stuck to, mainly because they did not work for me or I didn’t feel I was getting anything from them.
My biggest achievement, is the no alcohol – With the added exception of indirectly consuming alcohol on a few occasions, I have been clean for 5 and a half months.
These occasions are:
- Eating half of a Tia Maria soaked Tiramisu when out with friends
- Consuming poached pears post being soaked in red wine
- Having a teaspoonful of Champagne with orange juice on N.Y.E just passed
Okay, number 3 is a grey area but I am not letting that spoil my 5.5 months! The ratio was like 1:99% so that’s still indirect to me…
So this has worked really well for me. I know alcohol is a depressant and I was clearly having a little too much at the wrong times. I was using it subconsciously to drown out my thoughts of depressions, anxiety, stress etc and it just wasn’t the right thing to do.
The exercise I have maintained. I wouldn’t say I am super fit, running up walls backwards wearing ankle weights, or competing like a crazy person, because I don’t want to be to that level. I just want to be able to do things when I want to, not be out of breath tying my shoe laces or walking up the stairs and look better.
It’s a work in progress so I have made some changes to diet, exercise and mentality when it comes to this. Little steps make all the difference.
Rome wasn’t built in… blah blah blah! Who cares about Rome?! Nobody from our current generation was around then so let’s use up to date metaphors, okay?… How about…
… You can’t travel the World in an hour?
Okay. That was shit. But my thinking cap for today is missing.
Not being able to describe something is extremely hard, especially when you want to depict something to be/has been very good for you.
The counselling, hosted by Andrea, was very helpful. She was a stranger, at first, but I warmed to her after only a couple of sessions and she really made a difference for me.
I know it’s her profession, and some people say “it’s an easy job, anyone could do it”. No. They can’t (ALAN!) It’s a skill to talk to people, be a great conversationalist and build rapport with some people after only a couple of session each only lasting around an hour! My first ones always overran because we had so much fun, laughed a lot and I really felt like telling her everything, which I did.
‘Letting it all out’, for me, was upsetting at the start, it made me realise I was scared of certain things which had happened earlier in my life but it ultimately made me stronger. It inevitably made me accept those happenings all those years ago and I think I moved on pretty quickly from them. Mind you, that only SEEMED like something so small and insignificant but maybe it played a big role in conjuring up a big cloud of depression and exacerbating it in my life during the last 4-5 years?
But I feel better, so who cares?
The last part I am going to talk about is blogging.
I started blogging about 2-3 years ago, but failed. When I look back now, I wanted to be a ‘cool’ person who blogged and everyone would follow, comment on, like etc.
I failed because I was blogging for the wrong reasons.
Since, I have come from social media – I’ve become less of a sheep (although I still own an iPhone!) and I have eradicated this social bullshit from my life; Facebook, Twitter, Instagram… gone!
This blog I started writing in July, last year, my first being a post called ‘Dark Days’ which was my lowest point in history.
I now have a purpose.
If after all this blogging, all these photos, all these links, all these references, all these opinions, all these anecdotes, all these clichés and all these thoughts, I could save one person’s life, that would be a dream come true. It really would.
I know how it feels to want to die.
I know how it feels to know how you want to reach out to family and friends, but can’t.
I know how it feels to think the World would be a better place without me.
I know how it feels to feel worthless, hopeless, without purpose.
I also know how it feels when you reach out to somebody.
They are your ray of sunshine.
Your glimmer of hope
Your knight in shining armour.
Your saviour from the Dark Lord of Depression dragging its horrible cloud over you and consuming your whole life.
Anybody, if you are out there… I hope somehow this part of my blog can reach you… surely I can save at LEAST 1 out of 7.4 billion of you…