Temporary weird feelings: Is this infamous ‘Dark Cloud’ trying to break through?

The last 2 days have been somewhat strange. Tuesday was the worst because it felt like the feeling of the big ‘D’ was coming back to haunt me.

Before I go any further, I am not in a state of depression, I am merely describing what I believe are the ‘outskirts’ and how I am overcoming them.

I woke that morning with a feeling which I have never been able to describe very well, but as I have mentioned in previous posts, it’s a feeling the same as when you look out of the window; you don’t think, see, smell, taste, enjoy or listen to anything around you – It’s just starting into nothingness.

Again, it’s hard to even imagine, because if you try and think about nothing, something always comes into your mind.

Anyway… I had to force myself yesterday to get out of bed, yes, it was a little later than intended, but at the moment I am between jobs, so I believe that my ‘purpose’ in life has been temporarily taken away. Nevertheless, I got up and started completing chores.

As the day went on the feeling of nothingness stayed with me. I couldn’t help but contemplate thinking about thinking nothing, it’s a strange one.

Even when people say “Just keep yourself busy, it will be better for you”.

No. Depression isn’t like that at all.

NOTHING, and I mean LITERALLY NOTHING stops you thinking these things.

You might be keeping your brain, mind, body, soul, heart, hands, arms, fingers, even your whole body busy, but DEPRESSION and it’s associated feelings always penetrate your soft exterior skin right down to your strong fighting core.

We really are just big human apples.

I don’t know what was different about this time, but I was speaking to people who are very close to me, and whatever they said, whatever they did, whatever they suggested, it somehow worked, a little bit.

I’m talking now from my current state of mind and I feel a lot better after 2 days.

What was this? Was it a glitch in the mind? Was it a blip? A malfunction?

I started to ‘program’ or ‘re-wire’ my mind last year when I just about had enough of depression, and focused very hard on so many different attributes which would later go on to be very useful for me. Therapy, blogging, no alcohol etc.

Maybe these last couple of days had been my brains electronic system temporarily breaking down because of an outside virus was attempting to hack into my system!

This all sounds so bizarre to some of you, I am sure of it.

But what’s interesting …

TBC… lunch time …

… is that when we have a cold, or man flu, or a stomach ache, or a headache… we don’t analyse our feelings of pain in this much detail! Of course we don’t. We don’t compare it to life and death… we moan for a little bit, wait for it to go away… and then BANG! It’s gone.

With depression, however, we have to make comparisons, we have to analyse, we have to think of worst case scenarios… because it makes us.

It’s like our brains are desperately trying to find an answer, a solution or even a complete resolution to this whole dilemma just so we can deal with it as best as possible, should not return, or even to eradicate it for good.

How can something make us feel so bad about EVERYTHING in our lives that we feel that sometimes, there is no other option but …

Fighting depression. Not letting it win. IF it wins, there are MANY losers.

I’m not stating the obvious in the heading as it ultimately means one thing, to be dead!… but, I am just updating you all on the progress of my current battle with depression and how I am dealing with it.

For any new followers, people visiting the page on the off-chance or for those regulars, I have been ‘bad-thoughts’ free now for about 6 months. To clarify, these are thoughts that I am unable to rationalise and ultimately mean I won’t be coming back from their subsequent actions.

I don’t know how, but the list of things I made when I first started to battle this ‘illness’ had made a HUGE change to my life.




Above are the steps I promised myself I would look into last July when I was at the lowest point in my life; and just to clarify, I am not in a depressed state now, I feel awesome! Not 100%, but I am in the high 80’s!

I can be honest and say some of the above mentioned items in the list I have not stuck to, mainly because they did not work for me or I didn’t feel I was getting anything from them.

My biggest achievement, is the no alcohol – With the added exception of indirectly consuming alcohol on a few occasions, I have been clean for 5 and a half months.

These occasions are:

  1. Eating half of a Tia Maria soaked Tiramisu when out with friends
  2. Consuming poached pears post being soaked in red wine
  3. Having a teaspoonful of Champagne with orange juice on N.Y.E just passed

Okay, number 3 is a grey area but I am not letting that spoil my 5.5 months! The ratio was like 1:99% so that’s still indirect to me…

So this has worked really well for me. I know alcohol is a depressant and I was clearly having a little too much at the wrong times. I was using it subconsciously to drown out my thoughts of depressions, anxiety, stress etc and it just wasn’t the right thing to do.

The exercise I have maintained. I wouldn’t say I am super fit, running up walls backwards wearing ankle weights, or competing like a crazy person, because I don’t want to be to that level. I just want to be able to do things when I want to, not be out of breath tying my shoe laces or walking up the stairs and look better.

It’s a work in progress so I have made some changes to diet, exercise and mentality when it comes to this. Little steps make all the difference.

Rome wasn’t built in… blah blah blah! Who cares about Rome?! Nobody from our current generation was around then so let’s use up to date metaphors, okay?… How about…

Thinking …

Ummm …


… You can’t travel the World in an hour?


Okay. That was shit. But my thinking cap for today is missing.

Not being able to describe something is extremely hard, especially when you want to depict something to be/has been very good for you.

The counselling, hosted by Andrea, was very helpful. She was a stranger, at first, but I warmed to her after only a couple of sessions and she really made a difference for me.

I know it’s her profession, and some people say “it’s an easy job, anyone could do it”. No. They can’t (ALAN!) It’s a skill to talk to people, be a great conversationalist and build rapport with some people after only a couple of session each only lasting around an hour! My first ones always overran because we had so much fun, laughed a lot and I really felt like telling her everything, which I did.

‘Letting it all out’, for me, was upsetting at the start, it made me realise I was scared of certain things which had happened earlier in my life but it ultimately made me stronger. It inevitably made me accept those happenings all those years ago and I think I moved on pretty quickly from them. Mind you, that only SEEMED like something so small and insignificant but maybe it played a big role in conjuring up a big cloud of depression and exacerbating it in my life during the last 4-5 years?

Who knows?


But I feel better, so who cares?


The last part I am going to talk about is blogging.

I started blogging about 2-3 years ago, but failed. When I look back now, I wanted to be a ‘cool’ person who blogged and everyone would follow, comment on, like etc.

I failed because I was blogging for the wrong reasons.

Since, I have come from social media – I’ve become less of a sheep (although I still own an iPhone!) and I have eradicated this social bullshit from my life; Facebook, Twitter, Instagram… gone!

This blog I started writing in July, last year, my first being a post called ‘Dark Days’ which was my lowest point in history.

I now have a purpose.

If after all this blogging, all these photos, all these links, all these references, all these opinions, all these anecdotes, all these clichés and all these thoughts, I could save one person’s life, that would be a dream come true. It really would.

I know how it feels to want to die.

I know how it feels to know how you want to reach out to family and friends, but can’t.

I know how it feels to think the World would be a better place without me.

I know how it feels to feel worthless, hopeless, without purpose.


I also know how it feels when you reach out to somebody.

They are your ray of sunshine.

Your glimmer of hope

Your knight in shining armour.

Your saviour from the Dark Lord of Depression dragging its horrible cloud over you and consuming your whole life.

Anybody, if you are out there… I hope somehow this part of my blog can reach you… surely I can save at LEAST 1 out of 7.4 billion of you…


Hopton @ night


It’s been a while since I have fiddled with my GoPro so I gave it a shot last night; nice pun, Sam!

I set it to run on a pile of planks of wood throughout the frosty night, capturing every 30 seconds and taking 315 images until the battery died.

I haven’t edited, hence why the 2nd window looks overexposed; I couldn’t work out why it was so bright and then suddenly it went pitch black but kept recording; then I figured that’s when the lights were turned off and everybody went to bed…


The photo is still pretty sweet – It captures half of the night sky – Next time I will angle the camera slightly higher and make sure there is a lot less ‘black space’.

Time to breathe.

I took a trip up Rodney’s Pillar yesterday with Fin, my step-sister, I suppose, well that’s the easiest way to describe our relationship! Oh and Troy. The dog.

It’s a hard-ish 45-minute walk, for those who are unfamiliar to the area. For those who are familiar, it’s relatively easy but not after a few weeks of filling your body with Turkey, Terry’s Chocolate Oranges and many a bottle o’Becks Blue.

This was the well deserved sausage sandwich post-walk!

Anyway… finally!

It just made me think, hence the post-walk blog post now after a little time for reflection.

What I’ve been experiencing these last 2 months has been phenomenal. It’s so hard to describe when someone comes into your life like they have done with me and you’ve just been bombarded with emotions, mostly good!

I guess it’s good sometimes just to get away from any situation, think, breathe, calm yourself, relax and just contemplate it all.

The Pillar is a great way to take your mind away from everything, apart from the burning sensation in your quads!

But on a serious note, without too much personal detail, I’ve been finding things a little difficult and I’ve struggled this last week. Anxiety, stress and paranoia have come to revisit my mind temporarily but it’s manageable.

Some things just take more time, perseverance, determination and hard work. Work smarter, not harder, Sam.

When you are bombarded by said emotions as mentioned above, your mind is somewhat paralysed with the overwhelming feelings they each individually omit.

You do things which may hurt people.

You say things which may upset people.

You ask things people won’t like.

You think things you don’t want to ask.

But for some reason, you feel compelled to action these thoughts. And the moment you do, your brain thinks one thing, and one thing only.


But… for those on the receiving end. Know that it’s NEVER malicious. It’s never intentional. It makes people sad when they don’t want to do something but also feel compelled to do it.

And then do it. And then regret it. Almost immediately.

It’s just new. It’s exciting. It’s hard to handle sometimes. Sometimes we are irrational and we don’t think before we act.

All we can do is try.

Make others smile with our own unique actions.

Make them aware how much we love them.

A double-memory we won’t forget.

These two lovely people are my grandparents. Yesterday marked the day of the 12th anniversary that Noisey Nanny left us, whilst today marks the anniversary of what would have been Crug’s 100th or 101st anniversary of his birth.

It’s a tribute from me to them. I’d like to think they have access to the World Wide Web wherever they are, but who knows. Maybe they are even looking over my shoulder as I type this in the car.

Shit! Who’s that on the back seat?!

Apparantly, I’m numbers obsessed? I’d call myself a better looking Rainman.

This is because I count down to seeing you every single day. Before I go to bed, I tell myself only ‘X’ amount of days until I see you. When I wake up, I tell myself it’s only ‘X’ amount of days until I see you. You see me. We see each other. Potato. Potarto.

How can I not be numbers mad?! I’ve never looked forward to ANYTHING in my life as much as this day! (Mañana es cuarenta dias!)

This emotion has taken over my brain… what is it? Crazy. But for once, unlike other relationships, I do not feel anxious, depressed, weird, abnormal; just happy. That’s all I need to keep going.

That’s down to you, Adriana. I know you love it when I mention your name. But it’s so true. You’re my other half and you work together with me, all those miles away, to make this a relationship which we call ‘us’.

It’s not perfect, but, if I am one-tenth as happy when you come back, as I am now, I’ll be forever grateful that I’ve met you.

Our journey has only just begun… and…  boy I am excited!

No-one else will know our plans, but I am sure our smiles will give away how much we are both looking forward to them.

17 down and 45 to go.

It’s so rare in life, to find someone who understands, loves and cares for you in everyway you can possibly think of.

I’ve had relationships in the past where I have ‘loved’ people, and it was reciprocated, but they never expressed their love like you have, did, and are currently in the process of doing!

What is it about the human mind which links two people together so strongly, that no matter where they are, who they are with, what they are doing, the connection of love, friendship, companionship, and every other possible word you can think of, never seems to fade, is so strong and is something which when created, seems unbreakable?

There must be a synapse in the brain which triggers a thought and creates a binding contract between your heart and theirs. What else can it be? It’s the best ever feeling but I want to know what it is.

What is it about a person that we fall so much in love with? Why?

No matter how many highs, lows, bad and good points, low self-esteem thoughts & negative things you think about yourself, somewhere out there, in their own little unique way, is someone waiting, loving you the exact way you want them to. Maybe they won’t think of you every second of the day; but guaranteed, you’ll pop into their head and they’ll smile about you, for some crazy reason!

I’ve found someone so special. She knows she’s found someone to! (Modest haha!)

I’ll be honest and say at this current moment in time, I’m terrified of my depression coming back. For those who have read my blog will know I was in a really dark place just under 5 months ago, but I persevered, fought hard and had the tenacity of a rat climbing a drain pipe to reach the top and get myself out.

It’s that time of year again when the weather can alter my mood, and there isn’t a lot that can be done about it. It’s called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – I’m not sure if I have this, but the last three episodes of depression have been in the winter months of December, January and then November.

Being involved in a new relationship which is a temporary long-distance one is proving to be hard, but worth it. It’s a constant battle at the moment between feeling happy and sad but I know we will beat it together.

On some scale I am worried that all this new and exciting emotion will affect my bodies way of handling depression. It feels like it might bring on another episode but I am battling hard to eradicate this from happening. Not again. Please.

Being an agnostic (save the Hot Fuzz jokes!) I am reluctant to personally believe that there is a God out there.

But do you know what, if I was ever going to pray at any time in my life, it would be now. I’d pray for my depression not to come back, especially at this time of year…

… especially now I have met this unique person I am happy to call my girlfriend, my love, my soulmate and my jigsaw.

I’m having a hard time as it is and I don’t want any other sh*t to deal with!

Thanks – To whoever is up there in the clouds…