From riches to rags!

I’ve been feeling great these past few days (still not 100%) and now I feel a little less than a bit less than 100% – Bit of a tongue twister for you!

I am keen to do exercise which is good – I have only started again this week after 5-6 weeks of being lazy, but even 3-4 days of hard exercise has prompted my brain to want to keep me going – This is good.


I have been feeling a little low so I would say this is because I have been comforting eating – Too many sugary foods (my addiction) which has been counteracting the HIIT exercise and having a negative spiralling effect. When I am down, I feel like eating comfort food which are usually the ones containing sugar so there is no way of winning at the moment! It’s a catch 22 scenario.

I guess you just have to break free. Break the concentration the second you go to eat something which you know for a fact you will regret the moment after stuffing whatever it is you are drooling over into your mouth.

FOCUS SAM. FOCUS.

It is really hard to describe how I am feeling right now. As I write this post the sun is shining through the windows and can’t help but be annoyed as to how hot it actually is. When I am feeling a little down – There are so many things that get on my nerves. I just feel like screaming into a pillow…

I’ll be back in 10 minutes.

Ok. Better now.

My mind must be slightly broken, I was on a high yesterday and felt so positive. Now I can sadly say I feel almost the complete opposite.

“Hmmm what’s going on here?”

I am recalling now when I used to feel down before. I used to mope around, feel sorry for myself, hope things would just work themselves out and life would be a breeze and a walk in the park.

I have a tension headache, I feel like nothing is making sense and I dreading this next week because it’s looking into the unknown. The possibilities are unknown (legs begin to involuntarily bang together with anxious thoughts) and that affects me, especially when I am in this state.

This is all very strange, because when I think about it, I don’t actually know and I can’t think of a reason why this is so bad. Yes, I have a few things going on in my life which aren’t going the way I want them to, but, so what?

I wish I could just think this way all of the time. It’s not the end of the World. These bad/frustrating things will end soon and I know I will come out on top.

I can’t let this thing win. I just can’t. This dark cloud over my head is just lurking over the top of me and the shit-storm it is chucking down is giving one hell of a battle.

Still going strong without a drop: 2 weeks, 3 days, 6 hours, 4 minutes…

Ok, the title here might and probably is a little contradictory but I had some chocolates last week which contained some alcohol, the doesn’t count, right? – Of course not, it’s indirect and I didn’t even know they were alco-chocs until I had scoffed about 6 within as many seconds!

So today marks 2 weeks and 3 days without any alcohol. I think if I had resumed ‘normal’ life and not finding myself slowly coming out of depression then I would of had more opportunities to drink. Don’t get me wrong, I have had them; A few weeks back I forced myself to go out and socialise where I was surrounded by alcohol, but I want to try so much (like you wouldn’t believe!) to eradicate this ‘dark cloud’ over my head that I never even thought once about it, let alone twice.

IMG_0062

The above photo is (now was) my breakfast this morning. It’s a day off from work, I’ve had a little lie in and its a healthy-ish breakfast. Before it closed down in town, I would normally of had a McDonald’s breakfast so I would call this my equivalent. I read somewhere about foods like avocado being linked to somehow helping depression, that’s as far as my reading went because I don’t really like reading, but I’ve started eating more of them because it can’t hurt, surely?!


Day 9 of Citalopram is today. I’ve had 3-4 sleepless nights within the last 9 days but I am managing them by hitting the gym as hard as I can, keeping as busy as possible and maintaining a steady log of HEADSPACE by completing it on a daily basis; before I sleep every night, without fail.

I have been told by my GP that it will probably take 4-6 weeks to potentially kick into my system and ‘lift my mood’. I am expecting something quite magnificent to be honest but I’m not sure if it will be gradual or one day I will just wake up and spring into life. That would be nice, but in all honesty I think it will be gradual.

If I think about it, at the moment have a tiny dark cloud over my head but it’s because I am not in the right place in my life and it’s more like I feel unhappy, which is VERY different to depression. I think if so many things in your life aren’t going right then they can all ‘club together’ and bring you down in a spiral of worry, panic, anxiety and ultimately lead to depression – This is what I believe has happened to me to spark this depressive state this time – Alongside other things which have been brought to light by my therapist.

Depression.

That word is so hard to describe.

You can be looking for hours or even days about the meanings, symptoms, illusions etc but nothing will ever be able to help me describe the unwanted mental pain that you go through when it’s happening. I am even wondering now when watching the TV what I can type to make the readers of this post – But I know whatever I write it won’t make much sense.

Elephants.

What are you thinking about? Big majestic creatures in Africa with huge trunks, floppy ears and cute little babies running around and tripping over?

Most probably this is what your thinking right now. And you will continue to do so for a while.

When you mention a word like elephants to someone like myself  – in a depressed state – it means nothing. Literally. It might pop into your head for a few seconds or so but after that it goes and almost never comes back until necessary or otherwise mentioned.

It’s like that question, can you think about nothing? It’s impossible to imagine because your brain always thinks of something, regardless if you want to or not, but your subconscious grabs something from the back of your mind and brings it to your attention.

With depression, no. It’s literally thinking nothing. Sometimes bad thoughts but the majority of the time it’s sweet FA (Fuck all not Football Association).

There, I feel like I’ve nailed it! Sort of…

I’m still quite shocked at myself for writing all these posts and being brave enough to share this with you. The words keep flowing and coming out of my head and translated to the keyboard and to be honest it feels natural… career change maybe?