From riches to rags!

I’ve been feeling great these past few days (still not 100%) and now I feel a little less than a bit less than 100% – Bit of a tongue twister for you!

I am keen to do exercise which is good – I have only started again this week after 5-6 weeks of being lazy, but even 3-4 days of hard exercise has prompted my brain to want to keep me going – This is good.


I have been feeling a little low so I would say this is because I have been comforting eating – Too many sugary foods (my addiction) which has been counteracting the HIIT exercise and having a negative spiralling effect. When I am down, I feel like eating comfort food which are usually the ones containing sugar so there is no way of winning at the moment! It’s a catch 22 scenario.

I guess you just have to break free. Break the concentration the second you go to eat something which you know for a fact you will regret the moment after stuffing whatever it is you are drooling over into your mouth.

FOCUS SAM. FOCUS.

It is really hard to describe how I am feeling right now. As I write this post the sun is shining through the windows and can’t help but be annoyed as to how hot it actually is. When I am feeling a little down – There are so many things that get on my nerves. I just feel like screaming into a pillow…

I’ll be back in 10 minutes.

Ok. Better now.

My mind must be slightly broken, I was on a high yesterday and felt so positive. Now I can sadly say I feel almost the complete opposite.

“Hmmm what’s going on here?”

I am recalling now when I used to feel down before. I used to mope around, feel sorry for myself, hope things would just work themselves out and life would be a breeze and a walk in the park.

I have a tension headache, I feel like nothing is making sense and I dreading this next week because it’s looking into the unknown. The possibilities are unknown (legs begin to involuntarily bang together with anxious thoughts) and that affects me, especially when I am in this state.

This is all very strange, because when I think about it, I don’t actually know and I can’t think of a reason why this is so bad. Yes, I have a few things going on in my life which aren’t going the way I want them to, but, so what?

I wish I could just think this way all of the time. It’s not the end of the World. These bad/frustrating things will end soon and I know I will come out on top.

I can’t let this thing win. I just can’t. This dark cloud over my head is just lurking over the top of me and the shit-storm it is chucking down is giving one hell of a battle.

Temporary weird feelings: Is this infamous ‘Dark Cloud’ trying to break through?

The last 2 days have been somewhat strange. Tuesday was the worst because it felt like the feeling of the big ‘D’ was coming back to haunt me.

Before I go any further, I am not in a state of depression, I am merely describing what I believe are the ‘outskirts’ and how I am overcoming them.

I woke that morning with a feeling which I have never been able to describe very well, but as I have mentioned in previous posts, it’s a feeling the same as when you look out of the window; you don’t think, see, smell, taste, enjoy or listen to anything around you – It’s just starting into nothingness.

Again, it’s hard to even imagine, because if you try and think about nothing, something always comes into your mind.

Anyway… I had to force myself yesterday to get out of bed, yes, it was a little later than intended, but at the moment I am between jobs, so I believe that my ‘purpose’ in life has been temporarily taken away. Nevertheless, I got up and started completing chores.

As the day went on the feeling of nothingness stayed with me. I couldn’t help but contemplate thinking about thinking nothing, it’s a strange one.

Even when people say “Just keep yourself busy, it will be better for you”.

No. Depression isn’t like that at all.

NOTHING, and I mean LITERALLY NOTHING stops you thinking these things.

You might be keeping your brain, mind, body, soul, heart, hands, arms, fingers, even your whole body busy, but DEPRESSION and it’s associated feelings always penetrate your soft exterior skin right down to your strong fighting core.

We really are just big human apples.


I don’t know what was different about this time, but I was speaking to people who are very close to me, and whatever they said, whatever they did, whatever they suggested, it somehow worked, a little bit.

I’m talking now from my current state of mind and I feel a lot better after 2 days.

What was this? Was it a glitch in the mind? Was it a blip? A malfunction?

I started to ‘program’ or ‘re-wire’ my mind last year when I just about had enough of depression, and focused very hard on so many different attributes which would later go on to be very useful for me. Therapy, blogging, no alcohol etc.

Maybe these last couple of days had been my brains electronic system temporarily breaking down because of an outside virus was attempting to hack into my system!

This all sounds so bizarre to some of you, I am sure of it.

But what’s interesting …


TBC… lunch time …


… is that when we have a cold, or man flu, or a stomach ache, or a headache… we don’t analyse our feelings of pain in this much detail! Of course we don’t. We don’t compare it to life and death… we moan for a little bit, wait for it to go away… and then BANG! It’s gone.

With depression, however, we have to make comparisons, we have to analyse, we have to think of worst case scenarios… because it makes us.

It’s like our brains are desperately trying to find an answer, a solution or even a complete resolution to this whole dilemma just so we can deal with it as best as possible, should not return, or even to eradicate it for good.

How can something make us feel so bad about EVERYTHING in our lives that we feel that sometimes, there is no other option but …

Time to breathe.

I took a trip up Rodney’s Pillar yesterday with Fin, my step-sister, I suppose, well that’s the easiest way to describe our relationship! Oh and Troy. The dog.

It’s a hard-ish 45-minute walk, for those who are unfamiliar to the area. For those who are familiar, it’s relatively easy but not after a few weeks of filling your body with Turkey, Terry’s Chocolate Oranges and many a bottle o’Becks Blue.

This was the well deserved sausage sandwich post-walk!

Anyway… finally!

It just made me think, hence the post-walk blog post now after a little time for reflection.

What I’ve been experiencing these last 2 months has been phenomenal. It’s so hard to describe when someone comes into your life like they have done with me and you’ve just been bombarded with emotions, mostly good!

I guess it’s good sometimes just to get away from any situation, think, breathe, calm yourself, relax and just contemplate it all.

The Pillar is a great way to take your mind away from everything, apart from the burning sensation in your quads!

But on a serious note, without too much personal detail, I’ve been finding things a little difficult and I’ve struggled this last week. Anxiety, stress and paranoia have come to revisit my mind temporarily but it’s manageable.

Some things just take more time, perseverance, determination and hard work. Work smarter, not harder, Sam.

When you are bombarded by said emotions as mentioned above, your mind is somewhat paralysed with the overwhelming feelings they each individually omit.

You do things which may hurt people.

You say things which may upset people.

You ask things people won’t like.

You think things you don’t want to ask.

But for some reason, you feel compelled to action these thoughts. And the moment you do, your brain thinks one thing, and one thing only.

SHIT.

But… for those on the receiving end. Know that it’s NEVER malicious. It’s never intentional. It makes people sad when they don’t want to do something but also feel compelled to do it.

And then do it. And then regret it. Almost immediately.

It’s just new. It’s exciting. It’s hard to handle sometimes. Sometimes we are irrational and we don’t think before we act.

All we can do is try.

Make others smile with our own unique actions.

Make them aware how much we love them.

17 down and 45 to go.

It’s so rare in life, to find someone who understands, loves and cares for you in everyway you can possibly think of.

I’ve had relationships in the past where I have ‘loved’ people, and it was reciprocated, but they never expressed their love like you have, did, and are currently in the process of doing!

What is it about the human mind which links two people together so strongly, that no matter where they are, who they are with, what they are doing, the connection of love, friendship, companionship, and every other possible word you can think of, never seems to fade, is so strong and is something which when created, seems unbreakable?

There must be a synapse in the brain which triggers a thought and creates a binding contract between your heart and theirs. What else can it be? It’s the best ever feeling but I want to know what it is.


What is it about a person that we fall so much in love with? Why?


No matter how many highs, lows, bad and good points, low self-esteem thoughts & negative things you think about yourself, somewhere out there, in their own little unique way, is someone waiting, loving you the exact way you want them to. Maybe they won’t think of you every second of the day; but guaranteed, you’ll pop into their head and they’ll smile about you, for some crazy reason!

I’ve found someone so special. She knows she’s found someone to! (Modest haha!)

I’ll be honest and say at this current moment in time, I’m terrified of my depression coming back. For those who have read my blog will know I was in a really dark place just under 5 months ago, but I persevered, fought hard and had the tenacity of a rat climbing a drain pipe to reach the top and get myself out.

It’s that time of year again when the weather can alter my mood, and there isn’t a lot that can be done about it. It’s called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – I’m not sure if I have this, but the last three episodes of depression have been in the winter months of December, January and then November.

Being involved in a new relationship which is a temporary long-distance one is proving to be hard, but worth it. It’s a constant battle at the moment between feeling happy and sad but I know we will beat it together.

On some scale I am worried that all this new and exciting emotion will affect my bodies way of handling depression. It feels like it might bring on another episode but I am battling hard to eradicate this from happening. Not again. Please.

Being an agnostic (save the Hot Fuzz jokes!) I am reluctant to personally believe that there is a God out there.

But do you know what, if I was ever going to pray at any time in my life, it would be now. I’d pray for my depression not to come back, especially at this time of year…


… especially now I have met this unique person I am happy to call my girlfriend, my love, my soulmate and my jigsaw.


I’m having a hard time as it is and I don’t want any other sh*t to deal with!

Thanks – To whoever is up there in the clouds…

What a difference a week can make

It’s very sad to imagine how I was feeling a week ago compared to today; empty, down lonely and very depressed amongst so many other weird feelings.

But now I feel so much better. It’s great. I’ve managed to fight depression for another time in my life and it seems to be on the up. Yes, I don’t yet feel 100%, but I feel a darn site better than I did 7 days ago.

But how?! How can my life be that bad that I fall into a downward spiral of self-hate, suicidal thoughts and completely shutting off?

For me now, it’s trying to piece together the parts of the puzzle which will help me understand it more and potentially try to eradicate it or manage it a lot better, should it happen again.

If I think back to the 14th when it all seem to materialise, I was at work, stressed because there was too much paperwork, people were asking questions all the time, I had to try and get the sales in alongside performing all the managerial duties… see where I am going? And this was just work!

The fact that society says I shouldn’t be living at home when I am 30, not having a real career path, not being happy with my body and not really being financially safe hadn’t even entered my mind, at it wasn’t even 11 o’clock yet!

But you know what? Fuck society. It shouldn’t bother me what people think and I certainly shouldn’t have to follow a set path to build a life for myself. There is definitely a certain pressure which seems to be on everybody these days, if the majority of people do something with their lives and it follows a pattern for ‘x’ amount of years then that’s what the new age people should do. It’s bollocks.

The above mentioned ‘issues’ can be worked on time and time again until I get them right; I have the drive, determination, resilience & ethic to complete these things even if I don’t succeed first time.

I’ve never really know what I want to do as a career, and I might never know. So many people just fall into a job which they may or may not be happy with and because it gets them what they want financially or socially, they stick with it regardless of happiness.

I don’t know percentage wise but people unhappy at work who still remain there for a period of 5-10 years or more must be at least 90%! That’s a huge number! Okay, yeah I’ve just plucked that from a chicken’s arse but I reckon it’s not a bad guess.

How many people actually love their job/career?

The main thing now is working on the depression and ensuring I do everything I can to help myself for ‘next time’. Counselling, healthy eating, exercise, focus, headspace, relax and trying not much to give a fuck about things I actually don’t give a fuck about.

PS Sorry for the swearing… felt like a good release.