Reflecting in the dark without any light

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If you can reflect in the dark then you can do it at any point in your life. My idea here is that at any one time if you really need to reflect, look back on something important and see how things have gone, you don’t always need a torch and a mirror to see who you really are.

My reflection comes at almost 12 o’clock at night when I have come for a dog walk in the peace and quiet. The only sounds being the boy racers zipping past in their clapped out banger-mobiles and the whirring sounds of the generators behind me as I sit peacefully on a cold wooden bench.

It’s almost been 11-months since I had what I can refer to as ‘hell, a dark cloud, that bastard feeling’ or what is more commonly known as depression. Back then it was feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and I don’t want to be here any more.

Now,it’s a very different story. It’s more of a question of why? Why is this happening to me? What can I do to fix it? When will it end? What can I do to manage this in my everyday life?

Hmmmmm… the inevitable questions come flowing into my mind as I sit here typing this on a tiny little screen…

It may take some more walks at this time of night to figure this all out.

What’s annoying at the moment is that anxiety is playing a big part in my life. I tell you what, it’s fucking annoying. God I have missed being able to swear without anybody telling me I can’t! (Alan!)

I mean, it’s everywhere go. Sometimes, it literally takes over my whole day and there is nothing I can do about it. Paralysed with the uncontrollable thought of ‘what if?’ – I have to just plod on and a lot of the time force myself to complete something constructive and brain taxing.

The downsides are always so costly. Hurting the people you are close to in your life is the biggest casualty for me.

I don’t mean I have punched someone in the face!

I mean, sometimes when I am like this, emotions take over, I feel compelled to do things and people inadvertently suffer from the unconscious negligent acts of my brain.

Ok, I’ll stop here. Even I don’t understand what I have just written.

Maybe I’ll go for another walk and reflect on my English language…

When I…

dream

wake up

yawn

get out of bed

put my clothes on

brush my teeth

wash my face

go for a wee wee! (Haha)

get ready for work

unlock my car

get in my car

drive to work

walk from my parking space

breath in fresh air

listen to the morning car horns

see birds playing in the river

smell freshly cooking sausages

walk up Wyle Cop

smell roasted coffee beans at Starbucks

stare into Lloyd’s bank window

walk up Pride Hill

open the door at work

have a full day at work

serve annoying customers

serve lovely customers

slurp my morning coffee

gaze out of the shop window

wander around the shop floor

go out on my lunch break

eat my lunch

serve more customers

watch time pass me by minute by minute

close the shop

finally get home

take my shoes off

change my clothes

make tea with family

clean up after eating

relax

study Spanish

watch funny tv

chill out in the chair

contemplate our next FaceTime call

When I do all of these things, Adriana…

I think of you.

This is crazy love. Basically, as I am sure you are aware, every single thing I do I think about you. So strange, yet so amazingly perfect, but somewhat annoying because my mind is overloaded!

We always said that we met at the wrong time in our lives. I disagree with that now. We met at this point in our lives because we were both soulfully searching for the same thing.

I am even thinking about you now as I write this blog post! You are making me crazier. But more importantly, slowly but surely, happier.

I’ve now accepted that you have gone away for a while, and although it’s so hard without you, I just know one day soon, in ‘cuarenta y nueve dias’ time, we’ll be reunited again!

The pain is hurting, making me anxious, stressed, worried, out of control, crazy, sad and so many other challenging thoughts and feelings.

When we FaceTime, they all go away in an instant of seeing your smile.

I think I may actually have a super-happy-induced heart attack when I see you!

Come home, Adriana, I’m waiting for you, I believe I always have been. There’s just been a few things which have happened in our lives to prevent us from meeting until now.

What a difference a week can make

It’s very sad to imagine how I was feeling a week ago compared to today; empty, down lonely and very depressed amongst so many other weird feelings.

But now I feel so much better. It’s great. I’ve managed to fight depression for another time in my life and it seems to be on the up. Yes, I don’t yet feel 100%, but I feel a darn site better than I did 7 days ago.

But how?! How can my life be that bad that I fall into a downward spiral of self-hate, suicidal thoughts and completely shutting off?

For me now, it’s trying to piece together the parts of the puzzle which will help me understand it more and potentially try to eradicate it or manage it a lot better, should it happen again.

If I think back to the 14th when it all seem to materialise, I was at work, stressed because there was too much paperwork, people were asking questions all the time, I had to try and get the sales in alongside performing all the managerial duties… see where I am going? And this was just work!

The fact that society says I shouldn’t be living at home when I am 30, not having a real career path, not being happy with my body and not really being financially safe hadn’t even entered my mind, at it wasn’t even 11 o’clock yet!

But you know what? Fuck society. It shouldn’t bother me what people think and I certainly shouldn’t have to follow a set path to build a life for myself. There is definitely a certain pressure which seems to be on everybody these days, if the majority of people do something with their lives and it follows a pattern for ‘x’ amount of years then that’s what the new age people should do. It’s bollocks.

The above mentioned ‘issues’ can be worked on time and time again until I get them right; I have the drive, determination, resilience & ethic to complete these things even if I don’t succeed first time.

I’ve never really know what I want to do as a career, and I might never know. So many people just fall into a job which they may or may not be happy with and because it gets them what they want financially or socially, they stick with it regardless of happiness.

I don’t know percentage wise but people unhappy at work who still remain there for a period of 5-10 years or more must be at least 90%! That’s a huge number! Okay, yeah I’ve just plucked that from a chicken’s arse but I reckon it’s not a bad guess.

How many people actually love their job/career?

The main thing now is working on the depression and ensuring I do everything I can to help myself for ‘next time’. Counselling, healthy eating, exercise, focus, headspace, relax and trying not much to give a fuck about things I actually don’t give a fuck about.

PS Sorry for the swearing… felt like a good release.