Posting in quick succession!

My posts are like buses at the moment… you know the rest of the cliché.

The featured image was from tonight – One of my favourites for a long while. The sun setting viewed from Hopton, Nesscliffe.

For my future reference, I really felt like drinking last night, and also tonight too. I went to see my friend Rob in Bradford last night. Although it had been planned for several weeks, during that period there has been unforeseen circumstances some to light depicted by some bad news in my life and I am not coping very well with it.

Jack Daniels was so appealing to me during the last 24-hours. The most I had was 2 minuscule sips but I could of easily had a lot more. This just shows how strong I am sometimes. I’ve worked hard to be T-Total at the toughest of times – If I can stay off it now and I can stay off it for anything.

It’s not been the easiest past 1-2 months for me personally and others around me to. I have struggled to come to terms with things, especially my own decisions and reasons for my actions which I just can’t explain.

How do you come to terms with losing something that has been a part of you for such a long time?

A lot of people reading this will probably say that this is life, shit happens, blah blah blah…

But that’s for a normal mind. I can’t seem to comprehend these scenarios and I struggle with the stressful times in life. Especially sad moments.

Failure to see beyond a bad time in your life can often be one of the minds’ greatest downfalls. The ability to see into the future when we already know it will be ok.

Everything is repairable.

Everything is replaceable.

Everything can be recovered from.

All metaphorically speaking, naturally.

Continuity & Perseverance

My mind hasn’t been right for a couple of months now – Well, I don’t think it has been right for a long time, but what I mean is that it seems to have been worse than normal.

 

The heading depicts two words which I feel are important to me at the moment. Continuity because I need to stick with things and even though they don’t ‘appear’ to be making a difference, I need to know (and understand) my mind is a complicated entity and it needs repair. Whether you read this and think

“How does he know his mind needs repairing?”

or whatever the question, when something is broken and it’s not physically possible to see the damage, you just know.

Perseverance – I guess this links in well with continuity. Things have been very difficult for me over the last few months. I think I have been influenced to feel ‘down’ from outside factors, but nevertheless, I need to be able to cope with whatever life has to throw at me.

I have decided to start counselling again on a permanent basis. I must stick with this and even though in a few months I might start to feel like I am getting ‘better’, I probably wont be. This is really sad to write about but unfortunately, it’s the god damn truth. I have just had to accept that this is the way my life turned out.

I have a great life, I really do, so the answer to your question is ‘No, I am not down in the dumps, depressed or feeling like not being here‘, I am merely observing my life and seeing what I can do to better myself.

I have made certain decisions over these last few months and I am confident in saying that I have felt compelled to do so. Something in my mind has almost forced me to do such actions and there is no reason whatsoever for this. I just don’t know why. People who are close to me have been hurt by said actions and I just don’t have an answer.

That’s the heartbreaking part; damaging relationships.

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Favourite photo of the week! The image is meant to be blurred – I’m not a bad photographer!

When I look back at my life, I feel I have lived with this dark cloud for many years, I would guess around 10-12. Along the way I have sabotaged many relationships for reasons I still do not have an answer for.

The only way I can describe this is imagining doing something that you don’t want to do, but you end up doing it anyway. You are not physically forced, tortured or instructed to do it by anyone, it just happens; it’s almost like it’s somebody else using your body to act on your behalf.

It might feel like I have gone a little crazy but this is helping me understand what is going on here. If you don’t have a fraction of an understanding by now, after 50-60 blog posts since last July, then you never will!

The counsellor I saw last time was Andrea, she was fantastic and we spent about 3 months together. We had a certain bond, I like to think, and I really feel like she helped me.

I don’t have regrets, but if I was to have just one, just a minuscule one, it would be that I stopped seeing Andrea because I was feeling ‘better’. Retrospectively, I was not. Whatever I was feeling, it was not better. Maybe my mind was tricking me but I guess I just felt ‘better’ than when I first started to see her!

 

It’s going to be a long old process.

The competitiveness!

I’m really getting into my stride now with the competitiveness and making sure every time I do some form of exercise I try to beat something from last session. This really spurs me on; thriving off my own individual performance has always been a trait of mine and it definitely helps in this current scenario.

I have been exercising properly now for about 2 weeks and I can honestly say I feel so much better. I have been combining this with a little hypnotherapy which seems to be working well together for me.  I feel fitter, healthier, I have a clearer mind and I feel like I am not having so many bad thoughts / negative feelings. On the occasions that I do have them, my mind quickly eradicates them from my memory and I quickly move on.

This has really been a great tool for me. If anyone out there is feeling a little down, depressed or even ’empty’ – Or a feeling that you can’t even explain, then get running, or do any sort of exercise; after 3 weeks I feel slightly better about myself already, I have more of a spring in my step and some chemicals in my brain are obviously helping me out a little. The combination of whatever I have been doing is obviously a current winning formula.

The endorphins are flowing!

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The Gang – Minus the Bride & Groom!

I’ve been keeping up the exercise for approximately 7-10 days now, and although that doesn’t seem like a long time for most, it is for me. Yes, I have done it before, 6 months of hard work led me to shed 3 stone (18Kg) back in 2014.

But this time it is different. Of course, it’s 4 years later, but my mind is different, my focus is different, my life is different and my life’s purpose seems to be dangling in front of me on a piece of string, actually looking promising, rather than not there at all.

I don’t know where or not anxiety, depression and the other feelings I have had played a part in me feeling awful prior to these last 2 weeks, but I am certain in saying so much feels like it has changed.


I would say honestly that I am not feeling 100%, purely because I have had this ‘dark cloud’ or some sort of coloured cloud over my head for so long that I have actually forgotten what ‘normal’ feels like – Maybe I have never known? It’s a kind of sad thought but I have to be realistic here.

Over the past two weeks I would say that the depressive feelings in my head, mind, body etc have cleared up the most. I don’t want to jinx it now and have an episode tomorrow, but something is working.

I am sure my Dad will read this and smile to himself because he has repeated this for so long now it’s like the following words are engraved on the inside of my eyelids:

“Get to that bloody gym and do some exercise, you will feel better!”

Yeah yeah… of course parents are right, but you never tell them that – Not to their faces anyway! You will never hear the end of it trust me – You will be telling someone of their ‘wise words’ and inevitable interfering one day when all you will see out of the corner of your eye using your peripheral vision is a little smirk from them, basically saying…

“I told you so.”

Argh! Haha!

Lesson learned I suppose but it’s so frustratingly funny… I think that’s the best way to describe it.

I have a 10K run coming up at work and also a climb up Snowdon so I want to be prepared as best as a I can. Yes, I could have started sooner, but I didn’t, so quit the moaning and let me suffer now by squeezing all the exercise into the next 4 weeks!


Friday saw one of my very good friends getting married to the love of his life. Gav & Al got married @ the Albright Hussey near Albrighton and it was a brilliant day! I was best man, which was an absolute pleasure. I was accompanied by the love of mine! It’s times like these which make my life worth living.

Perhaps this conversation is too deep for a Sunday night before work but I have to type this somewhere! It’s not something I desperately want to get off my chest, but it is something which I wanted to share – Also a piece to look back on when reflecting on the good times and seeing what really makes me smile.

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Aber AirSoft – Stag Do for the Groom

I had arranged the stag do for Gav which was 3 weeks prior to the wedding – I never drank alcohol. Yes, I have passed my 1-year mark but I want to keep going. If I can stay sober for 1 year, stay sober through a stag do, stay sober through a wedding – This pretty much makes me invincible, right?

This is definitely a superpower – Because I bet I could pick 1,000 people from the streets of Shrewsbury who would not be able to complete the same challenge as me!

A diamond in the rough

The photo here is a random one from this week. Lucy, posing, from a walk through Nesscliffe woods with other miscellaneous animals and humans.


Unfortunately, I am not writing a post here about my devilishly good looks. I haven’t got enough time this year to even begin to start writing about them.

As strange, modest, happy and ill-timed as my sense of humour seems at this current moment in time, it’s the complete opposite story for the way I feel.

a diamond in the rough is referring to the fact that no matter how shit things feel sometimes, regardless of what or who has caused them, there is something good in your life; you just need to see it, be shown it or find out how to see it yourself.

I currently have this going on right now. After having a busy day at work I have come home and I’m just struggling to keep my head above water. Don’t worry, I’m not in the bath and slowly slipping under from the tiredness, it was a metaphor.

I love this writing. It’s so strange how I can feel ‘down’ yet still have the courage to write something silly and try and make the readers of my blog smile. I’m sure some of you must do because I am guilty at laughing at my own jokes!

This ‘funny man’ sometimes is what keeps me going. Whether I am on my own, with a friend or even a group of people, sometimes he says something to me, and I smile to myself; temporarily occupying my mind and taking it adrift from the dark clouds which linger above.

A fuzzy head & sweaty body

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After Monday’s episode of feeling down my head feels very fuzzy. As always, it’s so hard to explain. It’s almost like depression, but not. The way I feel right now is a little tired, and almost as if my head just wants to give up on everything. It’s saying:

“This is too much. I can’t handle all these emotions at once.”

I can. I really believe I can. I just need to work smarter not harder. Don’t you just hate that phrase?! But when it relates to you it’s so annoying because it’s true!

Recovery is now on the cards and I need to move on from this weeks happenings and remain focused. Being proactive not so reactive.

I can’t be that because I’ve just ran 4 miles in a fairly good time (for a big lad) without moaning about it being too hot, too far or even too much effort. See the above photo or STRAVA link on the right-hand side of this blog.

I’m a fighter. I don’t want to and I am not going to give up on this because it might kill me! But that is NOT going to happen, so whichever family member / friend reads this and thinks the worst – you don’t need to go into a meltdown and ring me to make sure I am ok! I’m good.

Apparantly, I’m numbers obsessed? I’d call myself a better looking Rainman.

This is because I count down to seeing you every single day. Before I go to bed, I tell myself only ‘X’ amount of days until I see you. When I wake up, I tell myself it’s only ‘X’ amount of days until I see you. You see me. We see each other. Potato. Potarto.


How can I not be numbers mad?! I’ve never looked forward to ANYTHING in my life as much as this day! (Mañana es cuarenta dias!)


This emotion has taken over my brain… what is it? Crazy. But for once, unlike other relationships, I do not feel anxious, depressed, weird, abnormal; just happy. That’s all I need to keep going.

That’s down to you, Adriana. I know you love it when I mention your name. But it’s so true. You’re my other half and you work together with me, all those miles away, to make this a relationship which we call ‘us’.

It’s not perfect, but, if I am one-tenth as happy when you come back, as I am now, I’ll be forever grateful that I’ve met you.


Our journey has only just begun… and…  boy I am excited!


No-one else will know our plans, but I am sure our smiles will give away how much we are both looking forward to them.