Making an effort to keep on blogging. I’ve been inspeared.

It’s been 9 months since I started writing my blog because that’s the time I last had ‘proper’ depression.

Wow. I’ve come so far. It’s great when someone else shows your how proud they are of you but when you feel it yourself, boy is it all worth it.

9 months ago I was depressed, suicidal, felt worthless… blah blah blah… all the usual shit that I don’t want to repeat… but now I feel almost 100 times better.

I have a purpose in life.

I have a girl in my life.

I love going to work.

I miss someone so much that it hurts when I am not with her.

I feel less stressed and anxious about life.

I have managed to control my anger and thoughts.

What’s happened to me? It’s like the old Sam has been replaced with a new one. Version 2. I’m still the same handsome stranger that you all knew before but it’s like I have had a change in lifestyle – Big time.

The same person who prompted me last time has prompted me again to write this blog. Now it’s been the same person twice in a row, I will make a conscious effort to write one a week.

This person has been reading my blog and said it’s amazing what I have conquered in these past months since I started blogging.

I have given up alcohol for 9 months for christ sake! AMAZING! In 90 days time it will be 1 whole year. Incredible.

Yes, people run 26.2 miles in the London marathon but this is still a hard task. A marathon takes 4-5 hours for most people and it is physically and mentally exhausting – This is the same but on a much longer scale.

This is a quick one for now, as it’s past my bedtime. I don’t want to keep waffling but this spontaneous and impromptu post is a dedication to the person who sticks by me, unconditionally loves me and is always there for me.

Even when I am an asshole (a nice one!)

Until next time (within a week!)

Lake Vyrnwy

Rob came down from T’Bradford last night. We would normally spend the Sunday recovering from a hangover induced by rather a large amount of alcohol, but as I am now ‘responsible’ and T-Total, we spent it walking instead.

Lake Vyrnwy is just over an hours drive away; even though the weather wasn’t brilliant, the views were still pretty spectacular.

It’s almost 100% flat, the whole 12 miles from either end of the bridge which is the focal point upon entry to the Lake. It’s meandering windy roads and notorious twists and turns make it almost seem endless, but if you keep on ploughing through the corners you will eventually complete a very nice walk.

Selfie of the big lads before the sweat started dripping from the boll*cks! Looking fresh-faced and pumped full of energy, we didn’t realise how far it actually was! Yes, about 12-13 miles, but as I mentioned above it always seems a lot more when it’s windy!

I tried to capture the sunlight rays beaming through the trees in this photo but it was too bright and I probably got the wrong angle. That’s more like it. There’s me trying to blame the sun and it was my poor camera skills.

With a little help from the filter on my iPhone 7, this was one of my favourite photos of the day. Capturing the main piece of architecture in the area, it scans across the whole landscape to depict a very cloudy & desolate atmosphere, pre-walk.

Keeping up the fitness

I seem to have gone mad. If somebody had said 2 months ago that I was going to be fitness mad in 8 weeks time then I would have laughed in their face and sectioned them under the 136 Mental Health Act.

I am not really sure what it is – But something is driving me to complete all this exercise and keep my mind active, it feels so good, I literally feel invincible. I hope this isn’t a massive jinx now!

This was a screen capture from a slow-motion video taken up Rodney’s Pillar today – Not sure what I am doing but I decided to jump and it looks pretty cool!

I think all these things I am doing, which are a little out of the ordinary for me, are brought on by my subconscious. Somewhere in the back of mind the word depression is floating around and my body wants and is trying so hard to eradicate it completely. Whether it will or not, who knows, but it’s certainly a battle I am winning at the moment.

This week of annual leave has been filled with exercise and food. It’s Kirsty’s birthday (anniversary of!) so I’ve been eating some unhealthy food but counteracting it with relentless exercise and keeping as active as possible.

I’ve mentioned this in previous blog posts – But my love of food has somewhat tripled or even quadrupled since I have given up alcohol. It’s not that fact that I am eating more of it but I get so excited when thinking, preparing and more so eating it!

This was a close up of this morning’s food – Bread · Boiled Egg · Pan-Fried Spinach · Feta · Oil · Black Pepper – Try it, very easy to make and it’s delish!

I can definitely feel a change in my body. It’s a little over 9 weeks since I started going back to the gym, again! In the past I have wanted results far too quickly – They have inevitably not happened so I have given up far too easily. This time is different. I’ve been very tenacious with the attendance of how many times a week I visit this holy place. I’ve also attempted to ingrain a religious ‘debt’ in my mind so I won’t forgot to go (conveniently), say that I can’t be arsed or think of a piss-poor excuse as to why I am not going!

I am only cheating myself… blah blah blah… it sounds like a nagging wife/mother/other female family member when I read that back to myself but it couldn’t be nearer to the truth.

Upon reflection

Just giving a little more detail on this last week and how it has gone.

After initially breaking down last Sunday (23rd) after a few gins the night before which I think sent me over the edge, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were good days.

I re-joined an old gym (Rowton Castle Country Club) which I had previously been a member of 2-3 years back and decided it was time to go back. I spent 2/3 days there to get those endorphins flowing around my body from my brain and really pushing myself and getting that feel good factor going.

It was all going well until Thursday when I had another come down, again. That was twice in 4 days which was unusual. It was very upsetting again but I wasn’t quite sure what it was which actually set me off. Perhaps it was a combination of things like last time.

Anyway, after much-needed support from friends and family I got back on my feet on the Friday and since then has been good. I’ve been hitting the gym, keeping busy, listening to HEADSPACE which is a great app, remaining focused on what goals I want to achieve and very importantly eating as healthily as I can; yesterday being an exception with a homemade Beef Wellington followed by a raspberry and chocolate brownie. All credit to Julie there.

I feel depression is very much like being involved in a RTC – Road Traffic Collision. Some of you are expecting some sort of quick witted comment here or a joke but it’s actually a very serious point.

So it’s causing a person to have a ‘broken mind’ much like the dismantled and twisted metal or plastic that you see jumbled up in a car collision. It is ALWAYS repairable, some cars can take longer than others to repair but there is always a solution to be tailored for each individual car.

You are probably thinking, what about when cars are written off? Yes, that would be the equivalent to a person taking their own life but what they fail to realise is there is ALWAYS a way out. For someone who has depsression it’s very hard to admit that sometimes, but now I am feeling better it’s good for me (and hopefully others) to get it out in the open.

When a car is written off, it’s normally because it’s not financially viable for that particular vehicle to have money spent on it to resume normal service. But… it can be done. Of course it can. If time, effort and determination is put into this ‘project’ or total repair then anything can be accomplished.

It’s exactly the same with the mind. If it’s broken, damaged or not on the right track; fix it, repair it or put it back on.