If you can reflect in the dark then you can do it at any point in your life. My idea here is that at any one time if you really need to reflect, look back on something important and see how things have gone, you don’t always need a torch and a mirror to see who you really are.
My reflection comes at almost 12 o’clock at night when I have come for a dog walk in the peace and quiet. The only sounds being the boy racers zipping past in their clapped out banger-mobiles and the whirring sounds of the generators behind me as I sit peacefully on a cold wooden bench.
It’s almost been 11-months since I had what I can refer to as ‘hell, a dark cloud, that bastard feeling’ or what is more commonly known as depression. Back then it was feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and I don’t want to be here any more.
Now,it’s a very different story. It’s more of a question of why? Why is this happening to me? What can I do to fix it? When will it end? What can I do to manage this in my everyday life?
Hmmmmm… the inevitable questions come flowing into my mind as I sit here typing this on a tiny little screen…
It may take some more walks at this time of night to figure this all out.
What’s annoying at the moment is that anxiety is playing a big part in my life. I tell you what, it’s fucking annoying. God I have missed being able to swear without anybody telling me I can’t! (Alan!)
I mean, it’s everywhere go. Sometimes, it literally takes over my whole day and there is nothing I can do about it. Paralysed with the uncontrollable thought of ‘what if?’ – I have to just plod on and a lot of the time force myself to complete something constructive and brain taxing.
The downsides are always so costly. Hurting the people you are close to in your life is the biggest casualty for me.
I don’t mean I have punched someone in the face!
I mean, sometimes when I am like this, emotions take over, I feel compelled to do things and people inadvertently suffer from the unconscious negligent acts of my brain.
Ok, I’ll stop here. Even I don’t understand what I have just written.
Maybe I’ll go for another walk and reflect on my English language…