Posting in quick succession!

My posts are like buses at the moment… you know the rest of the cliché.

The featured image was from tonight – One of my favourites for a long while. The sun setting viewed from Hopton, Nesscliffe.

For my future reference, I really felt like drinking last night, and also tonight too. I went to see my friend Rob in Bradford last night. Although it had been planned for several weeks, during that period there has been unforeseen circumstances some to light depicted by some bad news in my life and I am not coping very well with it.

Jack Daniels was so appealing to me during the last 24-hours. The most I had was 2 minuscule sips but I could of easily had a lot more. This just shows how strong I am sometimes. I’ve worked hard to be T-Total at the toughest of times – If I can stay off it now and I can stay off it for anything.

It’s not been the easiest past 1-2 months for me personally and others around me to. I have struggled to come to terms with things, especially my own decisions and reasons for my actions which I just can’t explain.

How do you come to terms with losing something that has been a part of you for such a long time?

A lot of people reading this will probably say that this is life, shit happens, blah blah blah…

But that’s for a normal mind. I can’t seem to comprehend these scenarios and I struggle with the stressful times in life. Especially sad moments.

Failure to see beyond a bad time in your life can often be one of the minds’ greatest downfalls. The ability to see into the future when we already know it will be ok.

Everything is repairable.

Everything is replaceable.

Everything can be recovered from.

All metaphorically speaking, naturally.

Understanding; so close, but so far away.

Family, friends, best friends, partners, wives, girlfriends, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, mums, dads, aunties, uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents, second cousins… you name it;

Whatever the relation, does anybody really understand you, what you are thinking or why you have done something?

Unfortunately not, in my opinion, as we are all 1 in 7.53 billion people who roam this Earth together. We each have our own individual ways of dealing with things such as making day-to-day decisions & life choices; Which way to turn when we approach a junction, what film to watch at night and even what types of eggs to buy in our local supermarket. Some random examples there, and they were the first ones which came to my mind, but they are just a fraction of a percentage of the choices we make on a daily basis.

I guess we make a decision usually based on experience, advice that we are given and how we actually feel at the time of making said decision. We decide to eat when hungry, drink when thirsty, throw a punch when angry or even go for a run when feeling energetic.

These, to me, are the mini-problems we face in life, subsequently followed by their solutions. If we are equal to A, then we must carry out or ‘do’ B. A being hungry and B being the food.

What about when we aren’t equal to anything? What if the decision you are making isn’t based on or around anything – You’ve not had this before in your life, you’ve had no advice and at the time of making said decision you just feel completely lost, unable to reason with your crazy mind and just totally unaware of any consequences?


There’s no one there to hold you hand.

There’s no one there to guide you along the way.

There’s no one there to tell you how this will turn out.

There’s no one to talk to because in life you are alone;

You are only 1 person.

There’s something in your mind which just isn’t right.


No body has a clue what you are going through. It is literally the worst of both Worlds. You make the one decision and you feel things will get immediately worse, but yet if you make the other, procrastination takes over and the things get worse over time.

You feel so compelled to make a decision, do determined that it’s the right choice in your mind but you just don’t know why. There just isn’t a reason. There will be times when you doubt your decision-making skills in the time it takes to make your decision but it’s all over-powered by the strength, power and tenacity of your wandering mind. Everything else like thoughts, past advice and every other person around you is just shut out whilst you deliver the news.

Why… just why?

It’s the saddest thing to ask somebody when they have made a decision that they didn’t want to make but felt compelled to.

You can’t explain to anyone. There may be a few small reasons which will ‘chip in’ and give reason as to why this decision has been made, but the solid grounds which provide the foundation of the real reason just crumble before your eyes. They deteriorate so fast before you because you don’t really know yourself.

If that’s the case, how can you tell others something you don’t possess knowledge of?

Sadly, it’s impossible.


 

People can be so close to you physically, but when it comes to your own thoughts, decisions and choices in life, they might as well be light years away; because sometimes the understanding element in just inexplainable.

A diamond in the rough

The photo here is a random one from this week. Lucy, posing, from a walk through Nesscliffe woods with other miscellaneous animals and humans.


Unfortunately, I am not writing a post here about my devilishly good looks. I haven’t got enough time this year to even begin to start writing about them.

As strange, modest, happy and ill-timed as my sense of humour seems at this current moment in time, it’s the complete opposite story for the way I feel.

a diamond in the rough is referring to the fact that no matter how shit things feel sometimes, regardless of what or who has caused them, there is something good in your life; you just need to see it, be shown it or find out how to see it yourself.

I currently have this going on right now. After having a busy day at work I have come home and I’m just struggling to keep my head above water. Don’t worry, I’m not in the bath and slowly slipping under from the tiredness, it was a metaphor.

I love this writing. It’s so strange how I can feel ‘down’ yet still have the courage to write something silly and try and make the readers of my blog smile. I’m sure some of you must do because I am guilty at laughing at my own jokes!

This ‘funny man’ sometimes is what keeps me going. Whether I am on my own, with a friend or even a group of people, sometimes he says something to me, and I smile to myself; temporarily occupying my mind and taking it adrift from the dark clouds which linger above.

Reflecting in the dark without any light

img_0524

If you can reflect in the dark then you can do it at any point in your life. My idea here is that at any one time if you really need to reflect, look back on something important and see how things have gone, you don’t always need a torch and a mirror to see who you really are.

My reflection comes at almost 12 o’clock at night when I have come for a dog walk in the peace and quiet. The only sounds being the boy racers zipping past in their clapped out banger-mobiles and the whirring sounds of the generators behind me as I sit peacefully on a cold wooden bench.

It’s almost been 11-months since I had what I can refer to as ‘hell, a dark cloud, that bastard feeling’ or what is more commonly known as depression. Back then it was feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and I don’t want to be here any more.

Now,it’s a very different story. It’s more of a question of why? Why is this happening to me? What can I do to fix it? When will it end? What can I do to manage this in my everyday life?

Hmmmmm… the inevitable questions come flowing into my mind as I sit here typing this on a tiny little screen…

It may take some more walks at this time of night to figure this all out.

What’s annoying at the moment is that anxiety is playing a big part in my life. I tell you what, it’s fucking annoying. God I have missed being able to swear without anybody telling me I can’t! (Alan!)

I mean, it’s everywhere go. Sometimes, it literally takes over my whole day and there is nothing I can do about it. Paralysed with the uncontrollable thought of ‘what if?’ – I have to just plod on and a lot of the time force myself to complete something constructive and brain taxing.

The downsides are always so costly. Hurting the people you are close to in your life is the biggest casualty for me.

I don’t mean I have punched someone in the face!

I mean, sometimes when I am like this, emotions take over, I feel compelled to do things and people inadvertently suffer from the unconscious negligent acts of my brain.

Ok, I’ll stop here. Even I don’t understand what I have just written.

Maybe I’ll go for another walk and reflect on my English language…

Temporary weird feelings: Is this infamous ‘Dark Cloud’ trying to break through?

The last 2 days have been somewhat strange. Tuesday was the worst because it felt like the feeling of the big ‘D’ was coming back to haunt me.

Before I go any further, I am not in a state of depression, I am merely describing what I believe are the ‘outskirts’ and how I am overcoming them.

I woke that morning with a feeling which I have never been able to describe very well, but as I have mentioned in previous posts, it’s a feeling the same as when you look out of the window; you don’t think, see, smell, taste, enjoy or listen to anything around you – It’s just starting into nothingness.

Again, it’s hard to even imagine, because if you try and think about nothing, something always comes into your mind.

Anyway… I had to force myself yesterday to get out of bed, yes, it was a little later than intended, but at the moment I am between jobs, so I believe that my ‘purpose’ in life has been temporarily taken away. Nevertheless, I got up and started completing chores.

As the day went on the feeling of nothingness stayed with me. I couldn’t help but contemplate thinking about thinking nothing, it’s a strange one.

Even when people say “Just keep yourself busy, it will be better for you”.

No. Depression isn’t like that at all.

NOTHING, and I mean LITERALLY NOTHING stops you thinking these things.

You might be keeping your brain, mind, body, soul, heart, hands, arms, fingers, even your whole body busy, but DEPRESSION and it’s associated feelings always penetrate your soft exterior skin right down to your strong fighting core.

We really are just big human apples.


I don’t know what was different about this time, but I was speaking to people who are very close to me, and whatever they said, whatever they did, whatever they suggested, it somehow worked, a little bit.

I’m talking now from my current state of mind and I feel a lot better after 2 days.

What was this? Was it a glitch in the mind? Was it a blip? A malfunction?

I started to ‘program’ or ‘re-wire’ my mind last year when I just about had enough of depression, and focused very hard on so many different attributes which would later go on to be very useful for me. Therapy, blogging, no alcohol etc.

Maybe these last couple of days had been my brains electronic system temporarily breaking down because of an outside virus was attempting to hack into my system!

This all sounds so bizarre to some of you, I am sure of it.

But what’s interesting …


TBC… lunch time …


… is that when we have a cold, or man flu, or a stomach ache, or a headache… we don’t analyse our feelings of pain in this much detail! Of course we don’t. We don’t compare it to life and death… we moan for a little bit, wait for it to go away… and then BANG! It’s gone.

With depression, however, we have to make comparisons, we have to analyse, we have to think of worst case scenarios… because it makes us.

It’s like our brains are desperately trying to find an answer, a solution or even a complete resolution to this whole dilemma just so we can deal with it as best as possible, should not return, or even to eradicate it for good.

How can something make us feel so bad about EVERYTHING in our lives that we feel that sometimes, there is no other option but …

Time to breathe.

I took a trip up Rodney’s Pillar yesterday with Fin, my step-sister, I suppose, well that’s the easiest way to describe our relationship! Oh and Troy. The dog.

It’s a hard-ish 45-minute walk, for those who are unfamiliar to the area. For those who are familiar, it’s relatively easy but not after a few weeks of filling your body with Turkey, Terry’s Chocolate Oranges and many a bottle o’Becks Blue.

This was the well deserved sausage sandwich post-walk!

Anyway… finally!

It just made me think, hence the post-walk blog post now after a little time for reflection.

What I’ve been experiencing these last 2 months has been phenomenal. It’s so hard to describe when someone comes into your life like they have done with me and you’ve just been bombarded with emotions, mostly good!

I guess it’s good sometimes just to get away from any situation, think, breathe, calm yourself, relax and just contemplate it all.

The Pillar is a great way to take your mind away from everything, apart from the burning sensation in your quads!

But on a serious note, without too much personal detail, I’ve been finding things a little difficult and I’ve struggled this last week. Anxiety, stress and paranoia have come to revisit my mind temporarily but it’s manageable.

Some things just take more time, perseverance, determination and hard work. Work smarter, not harder, Sam.

When you are bombarded by said emotions as mentioned above, your mind is somewhat paralysed with the overwhelming feelings they each individually omit.

You do things which may hurt people.

You say things which may upset people.

You ask things people won’t like.

You think things you don’t want to ask.

But for some reason, you feel compelled to action these thoughts. And the moment you do, your brain thinks one thing, and one thing only.

SHIT.

But… for those on the receiving end. Know that it’s NEVER malicious. It’s never intentional. It makes people sad when they don’t want to do something but also feel compelled to do it.

And then do it. And then regret it. Almost immediately.

It’s just new. It’s exciting. It’s hard to handle sometimes. Sometimes we are irrational and we don’t think before we act.

All we can do is try.

Make others smile with our own unique actions.

Make them aware how much we love them.

17 down and 45 to go.

It’s so rare in life, to find someone who understands, loves and cares for you in everyway you can possibly think of.

I’ve had relationships in the past where I have ‘loved’ people, and it was reciprocated, but they never expressed their love like you have, did, and are currently in the process of doing!

What is it about the human mind which links two people together so strongly, that no matter where they are, who they are with, what they are doing, the connection of love, friendship, companionship, and every other possible word you can think of, never seems to fade, is so strong and is something which when created, seems unbreakable?

There must be a synapse in the brain which triggers a thought and creates a binding contract between your heart and theirs. What else can it be? It’s the best ever feeling but I want to know what it is.


What is it about a person that we fall so much in love with? Why?


No matter how many highs, lows, bad and good points, low self-esteem thoughts & negative things you think about yourself, somewhere out there, in their own little unique way, is someone waiting, loving you the exact way you want them to. Maybe they won’t think of you every second of the day; but guaranteed, you’ll pop into their head and they’ll smile about you, for some crazy reason!

I’ve found someone so special. She knows she’s found someone to! (Modest haha!)

I’ll be honest and say at this current moment in time, I’m terrified of my depression coming back. For those who have read my blog will know I was in a really dark place just under 5 months ago, but I persevered, fought hard and had the tenacity of a rat climbing a drain pipe to reach the top and get myself out.

It’s that time of year again when the weather can alter my mood, and there isn’t a lot that can be done about it. It’s called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – I’m not sure if I have this, but the last three episodes of depression have been in the winter months of December, January and then November.

Being involved in a new relationship which is a temporary long-distance one is proving to be hard, but worth it. It’s a constant battle at the moment between feeling happy and sad but I know we will beat it together.

On some scale I am worried that all this new and exciting emotion will affect my bodies way of handling depression. It feels like it might bring on another episode but I am battling hard to eradicate this from happening. Not again. Please.

Being an agnostic (save the Hot Fuzz jokes!) I am reluctant to personally believe that there is a God out there.

But do you know what, if I was ever going to pray at any time in my life, it would be now. I’d pray for my depression not to come back, especially at this time of year…


… especially now I have met this unique person I am happy to call my girlfriend, my love, my soulmate and my jigsaw.


I’m having a hard time as it is and I don’t want any other sh*t to deal with!

Thanks – To whoever is up there in the clouds…