Rob came down from T’Bradford last night. We would normally spend the Sunday recovering from a hangover induced by rather a large amount of alcohol, but as I am now ‘responsible’ and T-Total, we spent it walking instead.
Lake Vyrnwy is just over an hours drive away; even though the weather wasn’t brilliant, the views were still pretty spectacular.
It’s almost 100% flat, the whole 12 miles from either end of the bridge which is the focal point upon entry to the Lake. It’s meandering windy roads and notorious twists and turns make it almost seem endless, but if you keep on ploughing through the corners you will eventually complete a very nice walk.
Selfie of the big lads before the sweat started dripping from the boll*cks! Looking fresh-faced and pumped full of energy, we didn’t realise how far it actually was! Yes, about 12-13 miles, but as I mentioned above it always seems a lot more when it’s windy!
I tried to capture the sunlight rays beaming through the trees in this photo but it was too bright and I probably got the wrong angle. That’s more like it. There’s me trying to blame the sun and it was my poor camera skills.
With a little help from the filter on my iPhone 7, this was one of my favourite photos of the day. Capturing the main piece of architecture in the area, it scans across the whole landscape to depict a very cloudy & desolate atmosphere, pre-walk.
As the title says, there is not really a lot to report! But, as you all know, that wouldn’t stop someone like me having a little ramble – So don’t think you have got away lightly!
So here goes…
I suppose this week has been all about reflection and looking back on what my ‘life’ was like before my current ‘I can conquer the World’ attitude.
I don’t like to be too deconstructive and harsh about myself, but I was fat, lethargic, overweight, unable to cope, struggling at work, lazy, had low-self esteem and amongst many other things I felt so unhappy with life. This all led me to believe that I couldn’t see how things were going to get better, so all these ‘bad’ attributes lead me to the road of the dark days – See the first post right here by clicking this link and see how bad things got for me.
I am not going to say I am ‘cured’ – Because I think that is near enough impossible. Nothing is curable, in my opinion of course, because something can ALWAYS return. I’d like to say I am prepared, this being the operative word. If my dark days try to come back and haunt me, again, I feel I will be ready and be able to rationalise those thoughts which bring a big lad (not so much anymore!) like me down so many pegs!
So the above image is obviously 2 photographs taken about four years apart. I was looking at myself in the mirror last week (standard when you are this good-looking) and thought, shit a brick! I am so much different. The photo on the right stood out for me and was an iconic moment from Geno’s 60th BBQ back in 2013 – So I extracted this out and placed it next to a recent photo of me from Rodney’s Pillar – Taken a few weeks back.
It’s almost a perfect picture because on the right we have a fit, healthy motivated Sam who has just completed his RP march. Then on the right we have Sam at a BBQ doing what he loves best and shoving his face full of food! Don’t get me wrong, I still do this but I moderation and in conjunction with HIIT exercises and multiple gymnasium visits!
Healthiness, fitness and that sort of thing aside, I am enjoying work a lot more. After really getting stuck in to some of the projects that Vodafone are rolling out, such as the new Tech Role – I really feel for the first time in a looooong time that I have some sort of purpose in life – Even if it’s temporarily it’s still a good feeling.
Depression makes me feel the complete opposite – Like I have no purpose at all. It makes me think ‘what’s the f*cking point in even being here, would anyone miss me?’ – When in actual fact if you have purpose in life, whatever it is, no matter how big or small, someone will always miss you and something like taking your own life is NEVER the answer.
For those reading I am NOT thinking about that at all, I am just looking back to how I felt, hence part of the title, [reflection]. I always get a few texts when I write these blog posts about 2-3 hours after I write them asking ‘Are you ok??’ – Which is lovely because who doesn’t like to know people care? But this is just a notification that I am feeling on top of the Woorrrrlllllllld! But please, for those who will remain anonymous, send them anyway!
Let’s get some juices flowing!
I’ve always wanted to be something in my life, I’ve always wanted to make that difference and be recognised for it. Although I love helping people in my day-to-day job, there is no real recognition for what I (also we) do. Yes, we go to a conference every few months and have a laugh, learn something new and we are motivated for a few days afterwards, but after that it all really dies down.
I will be focusing my energy (as there is now an abundance of it) on my career.
A relationship can wait because I just can cope with all these women at once! Ha!
I am looking at doing something where I can really make a difference to people’s live, whether direct or indirect, and somehow get praise, recognition or some sort of good feeling from it. It’s life a selfish good deed which I am happy with – Why not get happiness out of making someone else happy!? Some might say (great Oasis song!) that sunshine follows thunder… no!… Some might say that you should put your own happiness first and do what makes you happy, but I think this really would. I love helping people in the shop now but it isn’t really a role where I am praised enough to my liking. There is not enough of a wow factor in it for me. I need more and I will go and search for it.
If there weren’t so many f*cktards who came into the shop it would make my life a lot easier… and that’s just the staff!
Ok, the title here might and probably is a little contradictory but I had some chocolates last week which contained some alcohol, the doesn’t count, right? – Of course not, it’s indirect and I didn’t even know they were alco-chocs until I had scoffed about 6 within as many seconds!
So today marks 2 weeks and 3 days without any alcohol. I think if I had resumed ‘normal’ life and not finding myself slowly coming out of depression then I would of had more opportunities to drink. Don’t get me wrong, I have had them; A few weeks back I forced myself to go out and socialise where I was surrounded by alcohol, but I want to try so much (like you wouldn’t believe!) to eradicate this ‘dark cloud’ over my head that I never even thought once about it, let alone twice.
The above photo is (now was) my breakfast this morning. It’s a day off from work, I’ve had a little lie in and its a healthy-ish breakfast. Before it closed down in town, I would normally of had a McDonald’s breakfast so I would call this my equivalent. I read somewhere about foods like avocado being linked to somehow helping depression, that’s as far as my reading went because I don’t really like reading, but I’ve started eating more of them because it can’t hurt, surely?!
Day 9 of Citalopram is today. I’ve had 3-4 sleepless nights within the last 9 days but I am managing them by hitting the gym as hard as I can, keeping as busy as possible and maintaining a steady log of HEADSPACE by completing it on a daily basis; before I sleep every night, without fail.
I have been told by my GP that it will probably take 4-6 weeks to potentially kick into my system and ‘lift my mood’. I am expecting something quite magnificent to be honest but I’m not sure if it will be gradual or one day I will just wake up and spring into life. That would be nice, but in all honesty I think it will be gradual.
If I think about it, at the moment have a tiny dark cloud over my head but it’s because I am not in the right place in my life and it’s more like I feel unhappy, which is VERY different to depression. I think if so many things in your life aren’t going right then they can all ‘club together’ and bring you down in a spiral of worry, panic, anxiety and ultimately lead to depression – This is what I believe has happened to me to spark this depressive state this time – Alongside other things which have been brought to light by my therapist.
That word is so hard to describe.
You can be looking for hours or even days about the meanings, symptoms, illusions etc but nothing will ever be able to help me describe the unwanted mental pain that you go through when it’s happening. I am even wondering now when watching the TV what I can type to make the readers of this post – But I know whatever I write it won’t make much sense.
What are you thinking about? Big majestic creatures in Africa with huge trunks, floppy ears and cute little babies running around and tripping over?
Most probably this is what your thinking right now. And you will continue to do so for a while.
When you mention a word like elephants to someone like myself – in a depressed state – it means nothing. Literally. It might pop into your head for a few seconds or so but after that it goes and almost never comes back until necessary or otherwise mentioned.
It’s like that question, can you think about nothing? It’s impossible to imagine because your brain always thinks of something, regardless if you want to or not, but your subconscious grabs something from the back of your mind and brings it to your attention.
With depression, no. It’s literally thinking nothing. Sometimes bad thoughts but the majority of the time it’s sweet FA (Fuck all not Football Association).
There, I feel like I’ve nailed it! Sort of…
I’m still quite shocked at myself for writing all these posts and being brave enough to share this with you. The words keep flowing and coming out of my head and translated to the keyboard and to be honest it feels natural… career change maybe?