Temporary weird feelings: Is this infamous ‘Dark Cloud’ trying to break through?

The last 2 days have been somewhat strange. Tuesday was the worst because it felt like the feeling of the big ‘D’ was coming back to haunt me.

Before I go any further, I am not in a state of depression, I am merely describing what I believe are the ‘outskirts’ and how I am overcoming them.

I woke that morning with a feeling which I have never been able to describe very well, but as I have mentioned in previous posts, it’s a feeling the same as when you look out of the window; you don’t think, see, smell, taste, enjoy or listen to anything around you – It’s just starting into nothingness.

Again, it’s hard to even imagine, because if you try and think about nothing, something always comes into your mind.

Anyway… I had to force myself yesterday to get out of bed, yes, it was a little later than intended, but at the moment I am between jobs, so I believe that my ‘purpose’ in life has been temporarily taken away. Nevertheless, I got up and started completing chores.

As the day went on the feeling of nothingness stayed with me. I couldn’t help but contemplate thinking about thinking nothing, it’s a strange one.

Even when people say “Just keep yourself busy, it will be better for you”.

No. Depression isn’t like that at all.

NOTHING, and I mean LITERALLY NOTHING stops you thinking these things.

You might be keeping your brain, mind, body, soul, heart, hands, arms, fingers, even your whole body busy, but DEPRESSION and it’s associated feelings always penetrate your soft exterior skin right down to your strong fighting core.

We really are just big human apples.

I don’t know what was different about this time, but I was speaking to people who are very close to me, and whatever they said, whatever they did, whatever they suggested, it somehow worked, a little bit.

I’m talking now from my current state of mind and I feel a lot better after 2 days.

What was this? Was it a glitch in the mind? Was it a blip? A malfunction?

I started to ‘program’ or ‘re-wire’ my mind last year when I just about had enough of depression, and focused very hard on so many different attributes which would later go on to be very useful for me. Therapy, blogging, no alcohol etc.

Maybe these last couple of days had been my brains electronic system temporarily breaking down because of an outside virus was attempting to hack into my system!

This all sounds so bizarre to some of you, I am sure of it.

But what’s interesting …

TBC… lunch time …

… is that when we have a cold, or man flu, or a stomach ache, or a headache… we don’t analyse our feelings of pain in this much detail! Of course we don’t. We don’t compare it to life and death… we moan for a little bit, wait for it to go away… and then BANG! It’s gone.

With depression, however, we have to make comparisons, we have to analyse, we have to think of worst case scenarios… because it makes us.

It’s like our brains are desperately trying to find an answer, a solution or even a complete resolution to this whole dilemma just so we can deal with it as best as possible, should not return, or even to eradicate it for good.

How can something make us feel so bad about EVERYTHING in our lives that we feel that sometimes, there is no other option but …

Time to breathe.

I took a trip up Rodney’s Pillar yesterday with Fin, my step-sister, I suppose, well that’s the easiest way to describe our relationship! Oh and Troy. The dog.

It’s a hard-ish 45-minute walk, for those who are unfamiliar to the area. For those who are familiar, it’s relatively easy but not after a few weeks of filling your body with Turkey, Terry’s Chocolate Oranges and many a bottle o’Becks Blue.

This was the well deserved sausage sandwich post-walk!

Anyway… finally!

It just made me think, hence the post-walk blog post now after a little time for reflection.

What I’ve been experiencing these last 2 months has been phenomenal. It’s so hard to describe when someone comes into your life like they have done with me and you’ve just been bombarded with emotions, mostly good!

I guess it’s good sometimes just to get away from any situation, think, breathe, calm yourself, relax and just contemplate it all.

The Pillar is a great way to take your mind away from everything, apart from the burning sensation in your quads!

But on a serious note, without too much personal detail, I’ve been finding things a little difficult and I’ve struggled this last week. Anxiety, stress and paranoia have come to revisit my mind temporarily but it’s manageable.

Some things just take more time, perseverance, determination and hard work. Work smarter, not harder, Sam.

When you are bombarded by said emotions as mentioned above, your mind is somewhat paralysed with the overwhelming feelings they each individually omit.

You do things which may hurt people.

You say things which may upset people.

You ask things people won’t like.

You think things you don’t want to ask.

But for some reason, you feel compelled to action these thoughts. And the moment you do, your brain thinks one thing, and one thing only.


But… for those on the receiving end. Know that it’s NEVER malicious. It’s never intentional. It makes people sad when they don’t want to do something but also feel compelled to do it.

And then do it. And then regret it. Almost immediately.

It’s just new. It’s exciting. It’s hard to handle sometimes. Sometimes we are irrational and we don’t think before we act.

All we can do is try.

Make others smile with our own unique actions.

Make them aware how much we love them.

17 down and 45 to go.

It’s so rare in life, to find someone who understands, loves and cares for you in everyway you can possibly think of.

I’ve had relationships in the past where I have ‘loved’ people, and it was reciprocated, but they never expressed their love like you have, did, and are currently in the process of doing!

What is it about the human mind which links two people together so strongly, that no matter where they are, who they are with, what they are doing, the connection of love, friendship, companionship, and every other possible word you can think of, never seems to fade, is so strong and is something which when created, seems unbreakable?

There must be a synapse in the brain which triggers a thought and creates a binding contract between your heart and theirs. What else can it be? It’s the best ever feeling but I want to know what it is.

What is it about a person that we fall so much in love with? Why?

No matter how many highs, lows, bad and good points, low self-esteem thoughts & negative things you think about yourself, somewhere out there, in their own little unique way, is someone waiting, loving you the exact way you want them to. Maybe they won’t think of you every second of the day; but guaranteed, you’ll pop into their head and they’ll smile about you, for some crazy reason!

I’ve found someone so special. She knows she’s found someone to! (Modest haha!)

I’ll be honest and say at this current moment in time, I’m terrified of my depression coming back. For those who have read my blog will know I was in a really dark place just under 5 months ago, but I persevered, fought hard and had the tenacity of a rat climbing a drain pipe to reach the top and get myself out.

It’s that time of year again when the weather can alter my mood, and there isn’t a lot that can be done about it. It’s called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – I’m not sure if I have this, but the last three episodes of depression have been in the winter months of December, January and then November.

Being involved in a new relationship which is a temporary long-distance one is proving to be hard, but worth it. It’s a constant battle at the moment between feeling happy and sad but I know we will beat it together.

On some scale I am worried that all this new and exciting emotion will affect my bodies way of handling depression. It feels like it might bring on another episode but I am battling hard to eradicate this from happening. Not again. Please.

Being an agnostic (save the Hot Fuzz jokes!) I am reluctant to personally believe that there is a God out there.

But do you know what, if I was ever going to pray at any time in my life, it would be now. I’d pray for my depression not to come back, especially at this time of year…

… especially now I have met this unique person I am happy to call my girlfriend, my love, my soulmate and my jigsaw.

I’m having a hard time as it is and I don’t want any other sh*t to deal with!

Thanks – To whoever is up there in the clouds…

When I…


wake up


get out of bed

put my clothes on

brush my teeth

wash my face

go for a wee wee! (Haha)

get ready for work

unlock my car

get in my car

drive to work

walk from my parking space

breath in fresh air

listen to the morning car horns

see birds playing in the river

smell freshly cooking sausages

walk up Wyle Cop

smell roasted coffee beans at Starbucks

stare into Lloyd’s bank window

walk up Pride Hill

open the door at work

have a full day at work

serve annoying customers

serve lovely customers

slurp my morning coffee

gaze out of the shop window

wander around the shop floor

go out on my lunch break

eat my lunch

serve more customers

watch time pass me by minute by minute

close the shop

finally get home

take my shoes off

change my clothes

make tea with family

clean up after eating


study Spanish

watch funny tv

chill out in the chair

contemplate our next FaceTime call

When I do all of these things, Adriana…

I think of you.

This is crazy love. Basically, as I am sure you are aware, every single thing I do I think about you. So strange, yet so amazingly perfect, but somewhat annoying because my mind is overloaded!

We always said that we met at the wrong time in our lives. I disagree with that now. We met at this point in our lives because we were both soulfully searching for the same thing.

I am even thinking about you now as I write this blog post! You are making me crazier. But more importantly, slowly but surely, happier.

I’ve now accepted that you have gone away for a while, and although it’s so hard without you, I just know one day soon, in ‘cuarenta y nueve dias’ time, we’ll be reunited again!

The pain is hurting, making me anxious, stressed, worried, out of control, crazy, sad and so many other challenging thoughts and feelings.

When we FaceTime, they all go away in an instant of seeing your smile.

I think I may actually have a super-happy-induced heart attack when I see you!

Come home, Adriana, I’m waiting for you, I believe I always have been. There’s just been a few things which have happened in our lives to prevent us from meeting until now.

Lake Vyrnwy

Rob came down from T’Bradford last night. We would normally spend the Sunday recovering from a hangover induced by rather a large amount of alcohol, but as I am now ‘responsible’ and T-Total, we spent it walking instead.

Lake Vyrnwy is just over an hours drive away; even though the weather wasn’t brilliant, the views were still pretty spectacular.

It’s almost 100% flat, the whole 12 miles from either end of the bridge which is the focal point upon entry to the Lake. It’s meandering windy roads and notorious twists and turns make it almost seem endless, but if you keep on ploughing through the corners you will eventually complete a very nice walk.

Selfie of the big lads before the sweat started dripping from the boll*cks! Looking fresh-faced and pumped full of energy, we didn’t realise how far it actually was! Yes, about 12-13 miles, but as I mentioned above it always seems a lot more when it’s windy!

I tried to capture the sunlight rays beaming through the trees in this photo but it was too bright and I probably got the wrong angle. That’s more like it. There’s me trying to blame the sun and it was my poor camera skills.

With a little help from the filter on my iPhone 7, this was one of my favourite photos of the day. Capturing the main piece of architecture in the area, it scans across the whole landscape to depict a very cloudy & desolate atmosphere, pre-walk.

There’s not a lot to report! [reflection]

As the title says, there is not really a lot to report! But, as you all know, that wouldn’t stop someone like me having a little ramble – So don’t think you have got away lightly!

So here goes…

I suppose this week has been all about reflection and looking back on what my ‘life’ was like before my current ‘I can conquer the World’ attitude.

I don’t like to be too deconstructive and harsh about myself, but I was fat, lethargic, overweight, unable to cope, struggling at work, lazy, had low-self esteem and amongst many other things I felt so unhappy with life. This all led me to believe that I couldn’t see how things were going to get better, so all these ‘bad’ attributes lead me to the road of the dark days – See the first post right here by clicking this link and see how bad things got for me.

I am not going to say I am ‘cured’ – Because I think that is near enough impossible. Nothing is curable, in my opinion of course, because something can ALWAYS return. I’d like to say I am prepared, this being the operative word. If my dark days try to come back and haunt me, again, I feel I will be ready and be able to rationalise those thoughts which bring a big lad (not so much anymore!) like me down so many pegs!

2017 vs 2013

So the above image is obviously 2 photographs taken about four years apart. I was looking at myself in the mirror last week (standard when you are this good-looking) and thought, shit a brick! I am so much different. The photo on the right stood out for me and was an iconic moment from Geno’s 60th BBQ back in 2013 – So I extracted this out and placed it next to a recent photo of me from Rodney’s Pillar – Taken a few weeks back.

It’s almost a perfect picture because on the right we have a fit, healthy motivated Sam who has just completed his RP march. Then on the right we have Sam at a BBQ doing what he loves best and shoving his face full of food! Don’t get me wrong, I still do this but I moderation and in conjunction with HIIT exercises and multiple gymnasium visits!

Healthiness, fitness and that sort of thing aside, I am enjoying work a lot more. After really getting stuck in to some of the projects that Vodafone are rolling out, such as the new Tech Role – I really feel for the first time in a looooong time that I have some sort of purpose in life – Even if it’s temporarily it’s still a good feeling.

Depression makes me feel the complete opposite – Like I have no purpose at all. It makes me think ‘what’s the f*cking point in even being here, would anyone miss me?’ – When in actual fact if you have purpose in life, whatever it is, no matter how big or small, someone will always miss you and something like taking your own life is NEVER the answer.

For those reading I am NOT thinking about that at all, I am just looking back to how I felt, hence part of the title, [reflection]. I always get a few texts when I write these blog posts about 2-3 hours after I write them asking ‘Are you ok??’ – Which is lovely because who doesn’t like to know people care? But this is just a notification that I am feeling on top of the Woorrrrlllllllld! But please, for those who will remain anonymous, send them anyway!

Let’s get some juices flowing!

Post-gym breakfast after an early morning workout on Sunday (the day of rest) – Oven baked field mushrooms soaked in garlic butter, crispy bacon and a double-egg
Pan-fried chicken breast, egg noodles, glazed onions, cherry toms and a drizzle of oil followed by a generous coating of cracked black pepper
Sea-shell shaped pasta, red pesto, feta, basil, oil, pepper – Accompanied by a homemade garlic butter embedded deep into a crusty French stick – C’était très bon!

I’ve always wanted to be something in my life, I’ve always wanted to make that difference and be recognised for it. Although I love helping people in my day-to-day job, there is no real recognition for what I (also we) do. Yes, we go to a conference every few months and have a laugh, learn something new and we are motivated for a few days afterwards, but after that it all really dies down.

I will be focusing my energy (as there is now an abundance of it) on my career.

A relationship can wait because I just can cope with all these women at once! Ha!

I am looking at doing something where I can really make a difference to people’s live, whether direct or indirect, and somehow get praise, recognition or some sort of good feeling from it. It’s life a selfish good deed which I am happy with – Why not get happiness out of making someone else happy!? Some might say (great Oasis song!) that sunshine follows thunder… no!… Some might say that you should put your own happiness first and do what makes you happy, but I think this really would. I love helping people in the shop now but it isn’t really a role where I am praised enough to my liking. There is not enough of a wow factor in it for me. I need more and I will go and search for it.

If there weren’t so many f*cktards who came into the shop it would make my life a lot easier… and that’s just the staff!

Still going strong without a drop: 2 weeks, 3 days, 6 hours, 4 minutes…

Ok, the title here might and probably is a little contradictory but I had some chocolates last week which contained some alcohol, the doesn’t count, right? – Of course not, it’s indirect and I didn’t even know they were alco-chocs until I had scoffed about 6 within as many seconds!

So today marks 2 weeks and 3 days without any alcohol. I think if I had resumed ‘normal’ life and not finding myself slowly coming out of depression then I would of had more opportunities to drink. Don’t get me wrong, I have had them; A few weeks back I forced myself to go out and socialise where I was surrounded by alcohol, but I want to try so much (like you wouldn’t believe!) to eradicate this ‘dark cloud’ over my head that I never even thought once about it, let alone twice.


The above photo is (now was) my breakfast this morning. It’s a day off from work, I’ve had a little lie in and its a healthy-ish breakfast. Before it closed down in town, I would normally of had a McDonald’s breakfast so I would call this my equivalent. I read somewhere about foods like avocado being linked to somehow helping depression, that’s as far as my reading went because I don’t really like reading, but I’ve started eating more of them because it can’t hurt, surely?!

Day 9 of Citalopram is today. I’ve had 3-4 sleepless nights within the last 9 days but I am managing them by hitting the gym as hard as I can, keeping as busy as possible and maintaining a steady log of HEADSPACE by completing it on a daily basis; before I sleep every night, without fail.

I have been told by my GP that it will probably take 4-6 weeks to potentially kick into my system and ‘lift my mood’. I am expecting something quite magnificent to be honest but I’m not sure if it will be gradual or one day I will just wake up and spring into life. That would be nice, but in all honesty I think it will be gradual.

If I think about it, at the moment have a tiny dark cloud over my head but it’s because I am not in the right place in my life and it’s more like I feel unhappy, which is VERY different to depression. I think if so many things in your life aren’t going right then they can all ‘club together’ and bring you down in a spiral of worry, panic, anxiety and ultimately lead to depression – This is what I believe has happened to me to spark this depressive state this time – Alongside other things which have been brought to light by my therapist.


That word is so hard to describe.

You can be looking for hours or even days about the meanings, symptoms, illusions etc but nothing will ever be able to help me describe the unwanted mental pain that you go through when it’s happening. I am even wondering now when watching the TV what I can type to make the readers of this post – But I know whatever I write it won’t make much sense.


What are you thinking about? Big majestic creatures in Africa with huge trunks, floppy ears and cute little babies running around and tripping over?

Most probably this is what your thinking right now. And you will continue to do so for a while.

When you mention a word like elephants to someone like myself  – in a depressed state – it means nothing. Literally. It might pop into your head for a few seconds or so but after that it goes and almost never comes back until necessary or otherwise mentioned.

It’s like that question, can you think about nothing? It’s impossible to imagine because your brain always thinks of something, regardless if you want to or not, but your subconscious grabs something from the back of your mind and brings it to your attention.

With depression, no. It’s literally thinking nothing. Sometimes bad thoughts but the majority of the time it’s sweet FA (Fuck all not Football Association).

There, I feel like I’ve nailed it! Sort of…

I’m still quite shocked at myself for writing all these posts and being brave enough to share this with you. The words keep flowing and coming out of my head and translated to the keyboard and to be honest it feels natural… career change maybe?