Posting in quick succession!

My posts are like buses at the moment… you know the rest of the cliché.

The featured image was from tonight – One of my favourites for a long while. The sun setting viewed from Hopton, Nesscliffe.

For my future reference, I really felt like drinking last night, and also tonight too. I went to see my friend Rob in Bradford last night. Although it had been planned for several weeks, during that period there has been unforeseen circumstances some to light depicted by some bad news in my life and I am not coping very well with it.

Jack Daniels was so appealing to me during the last 24-hours. The most I had was 2 minuscule sips but I could of easily had a lot more. This just shows how strong I am sometimes. I’ve worked hard to be T-Total at the toughest of times – If I can stay off it now and I can stay off it for anything.

It’s not been the easiest past 1-2 months for me personally and others around me to. I have struggled to come to terms with things, especially my own decisions and reasons for my actions which I just can’t explain.

How do you come to terms with losing something that has been a part of you for such a long time?

A lot of people reading this will probably say that this is life, shit happens, blah blah blah…

But that’s for a normal mind. I can’t seem to comprehend these scenarios and I struggle with the stressful times in life. Especially sad moments.

Failure to see beyond a bad time in your life can often be one of the minds’ greatest downfalls. The ability to see into the future when we already know it will be ok.

Everything is repairable.

Everything is replaceable.

Everything can be recovered from.

All metaphorically speaking, naturally.

Continuity & Perseverance

My mind hasn’t been right for a couple of months now – Well, I don’t think it has been right for a long time, but what I mean is that it seems to have been worse than normal.

 

The heading depicts two words which I feel are important to me at the moment. Continuity because I need to stick with things and even though they don’t ‘appear’ to be making a difference, I need to know (and understand) my mind is a complicated entity and it needs repair. Whether you read this and think

“How does he know his mind needs repairing?”

or whatever the question, when something is broken and it’s not physically possible to see the damage, you just know.

Perseverance – I guess this links in well with continuity. Things have been very difficult for me over the last few months. I think I have been influenced to feel ‘down’ from outside factors, but nevertheless, I need to be able to cope with whatever life has to throw at me.

I have decided to start counselling again on a permanent basis. I must stick with this and even though in a few months I might start to feel like I am getting ‘better’, I probably wont be. This is really sad to write about but unfortunately, it’s the god damn truth. I have just had to accept that this is the way my life turned out.

I have a great life, I really do, so the answer to your question is ‘No, I am not down in the dumps, depressed or feeling like not being here‘, I am merely observing my life and seeing what I can do to better myself.

I have made certain decisions over these last few months and I am confident in saying that I have felt compelled to do so. Something in my mind has almost forced me to do such actions and there is no reason whatsoever for this. I just don’t know why. People who are close to me have been hurt by said actions and I just don’t have an answer.

That’s the heartbreaking part; damaging relationships.

IMG_0001
Favourite photo of the week! The image is meant to be blurred – I’m not a bad photographer!

When I look back at my life, I feel I have lived with this dark cloud for many years, I would guess around 10-12. Along the way I have sabotaged many relationships for reasons I still do not have an answer for.

The only way I can describe this is imagining doing something that you don’t want to do, but you end up doing it anyway. You are not physically forced, tortured or instructed to do it by anyone, it just happens; it’s almost like it’s somebody else using your body to act on your behalf.

It might feel like I have gone a little crazy but this is helping me understand what is going on here. If you don’t have a fraction of an understanding by now, after 50-60 blog posts since last July, then you never will!

The counsellor I saw last time was Andrea, she was fantastic and we spent about 3 months together. We had a certain bond, I like to think, and I really feel like she helped me.

I don’t have regrets, but if I was to have just one, just a minuscule one, it would be that I stopped seeing Andrea because I was feeling ‘better’. Retrospectively, I was not. Whatever I was feeling, it was not better. Maybe my mind was tricking me but I guess I just felt ‘better’ than when I first started to see her!

 

It’s going to be a long old process.

A diamond in the rough

The photo here is a random one from this week. Lucy, posing, from a walk through Nesscliffe woods with other miscellaneous animals and humans.


Unfortunately, I am not writing a post here about my devilishly good looks. I haven’t got enough time this year to even begin to start writing about them.

As strange, modest, happy and ill-timed as my sense of humour seems at this current moment in time, it’s the complete opposite story for the way I feel.

a diamond in the rough is referring to the fact that no matter how shit things feel sometimes, regardless of what or who has caused them, there is something good in your life; you just need to see it, be shown it or find out how to see it yourself.

I currently have this going on right now. After having a busy day at work I have come home and I’m just struggling to keep my head above water. Don’t worry, I’m not in the bath and slowly slipping under from the tiredness, it was a metaphor.

I love this writing. It’s so strange how I can feel ‘down’ yet still have the courage to write something silly and try and make the readers of my blog smile. I’m sure some of you must do because I am guilty at laughing at my own jokes!

This ‘funny man’ sometimes is what keeps me going. Whether I am on my own, with a friend or even a group of people, sometimes he says something to me, and I smile to myself; temporarily occupying my mind and taking it adrift from the dark clouds which linger above.

Time to breathe.

I took a trip up Rodney’s Pillar yesterday with Fin, my step-sister, I suppose, well that’s the easiest way to describe our relationship! Oh and Troy. The dog.

It’s a hard-ish 45-minute walk, for those who are unfamiliar to the area. For those who are familiar, it’s relatively easy but not after a few weeks of filling your body with Turkey, Terry’s Chocolate Oranges and many a bottle o’Becks Blue.

This was the well deserved sausage sandwich post-walk!

Anyway… finally!

It just made me think, hence the post-walk blog post now after a little time for reflection.

What I’ve been experiencing these last 2 months has been phenomenal. It’s so hard to describe when someone comes into your life like they have done with me and you’ve just been bombarded with emotions, mostly good!

I guess it’s good sometimes just to get away from any situation, think, breathe, calm yourself, relax and just contemplate it all.

The Pillar is a great way to take your mind away from everything, apart from the burning sensation in your quads!

But on a serious note, without too much personal detail, I’ve been finding things a little difficult and I’ve struggled this last week. Anxiety, stress and paranoia have come to revisit my mind temporarily but it’s manageable.

Some things just take more time, perseverance, determination and hard work. Work smarter, not harder, Sam.

When you are bombarded by said emotions as mentioned above, your mind is somewhat paralysed with the overwhelming feelings they each individually omit.

You do things which may hurt people.

You say things which may upset people.

You ask things people won’t like.

You think things you don’t want to ask.

But for some reason, you feel compelled to action these thoughts. And the moment you do, your brain thinks one thing, and one thing only.

SHIT.

But… for those on the receiving end. Know that it’s NEVER malicious. It’s never intentional. It makes people sad when they don’t want to do something but also feel compelled to do it.

And then do it. And then regret it. Almost immediately.

It’s just new. It’s exciting. It’s hard to handle sometimes. Sometimes we are irrational and we don’t think before we act.

All we can do is try.

Make others smile with our own unique actions.

Make them aware how much we love them.

This week in photos

I visited Andrea (my counsellor) on Thursday and we had our fort-nightly catch up on how things are going. The one thing which was on my mind was the haziness in my head which was combined with over-salivation. I never thought of side-effects from the tablets I am taking, only because it had been 8 weeks without any major issues – It became apparent that this was the issue I was having the moment she mentioned it.

Weird feelings aside, I’m still feeling exceptionally good (touching wood as you read!) and I’m hoping it will last forever – Unlikely, but I am remaining as positive as possible for the reasons you all know!

IMG-1023
This was this morning, pre-blog post and soaking up the sun! Gorgeous – Apart from the Welsh mug! Sorry Mum, Dad, Kirsty, Ann, Phil… the whole family? Ok, I suppose I am Welsh after all.

Let’s start with food… because we all know it’s better than ANYTHING else on the planet!

IMG-0899
This was awesome. Brown bread, loaded with lashings of Lurpak, semi-fried leaf spinach, boiled eggs and a mountain of black pepper – Accompany this by a coffee and it’s the breakfast of champions!
IMG-1006
I started to get a little more creative for lunch – This was a post-hike snack (see photo below). So here we have toasted focaccia · pan-fried tomatoes · rocket · runny boiled eggs · feta · olive oil  drizzled over the top · black pepper

I always try to be as healthy as I can and I’ve always loved food. I’m as creative as I can be and I will normally try anything I haven’t done before. It may seem very simple and it is. Just 4 or 5 ingredients thrown together and presented well…ish.

I do like experimenting with food – I’m anal on the presentation too because that’s what you see on your plate – Pointless spending hours sicking around in the kitchen (Julie!) and then slamming it onto the plate and serving up a lump if mush! Presentation can make it that extra bit special – I’m sure it must add to the flavour because as you as you start to salivate those taste buds must send all sorts of signals to the brain.

IMG-0979
Robyn, Alfie dog and myself – This was yesterday – The top of the World! Well, close enough, it was Rodney’s Pillar standing at 1,204ft or 367 metres – Whatever the height, it was effing windy!
IMG-0967
The love of animals – Sometimes I think we all wish we loved life as much as animals love playing with their toys – Chance would be a fine thing. So here’s Ruby – Oddly enough she’s not playing with her ball, she’s found another toy and is looking rather sheepish.